Can You Follow God Without Changing Overnight? | Ep. 116

What happens when the life you've built no longer reflects who you're becoming?

In this powerful episode of Cup Of Conversation, we sit down with content creator and podcast host Zion for one of his most transparent conversations yet.

Many of you know Zion from his viral After Zarty Podcast, where controversial conversations, entertainment, and internet moments helped build a massive audience. But today, he shares what happened behind the scenes that led him to walk away from that life and pursue a relationship with God.

This isn't just another testimony—it's an honest conversation about growth, conviction, healing, identity, and learning to follow Christ while still being a work in progress.

Together we discuss:

☕ Why Zion walked away from the controversial content that made him popular
☕ His journey from viral podcast host to living a Christ-centered life
☕ The pressure of changing in front of thousands of followers
☕ Losing followers while gaining peace
☕ Church hurt, spiritual growth, and being a "baby Christian"
☕ The fear of being judged while growing publicly
☕ Denouncing his former lifestyle and speaking openly about his sexuality
☕ Childhood experiences that shaped his identity
☕ Mental health, depression, people-pleasing, and healing from trauma
☕ Why authenticity matters more than performing religion
☕ Learning that following Jesus is a daily decision—not overnight perfection

One of the most powerful moments of this conversation is Zion's willingness to openly discuss how childhood experiences, public perception, and years of living for an audience influenced his identity—and how his relationship with God has challenged him to examine every part of his life with honesty.

Whether you're exploring Christianity, rebuilding your faith, struggling with your identity, or simply trying to become a better version of yourself, this conversation is full of grace, transparency, and real-life experiences that remind us we're all on a journey.

At Cup Of Conversation, we believe the best conversations are the ones that challenge us to grow.

Follow Zion:
https://www.instagram.com/zionsview/
https://www.youtube.com/@ZionsView/videos

👇 We'd love to hear from you in the comments:

Have you ever felt like God was calling you to leave an old version of yourself behind?

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💬 COMMENT your biggest takeaway.
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Transcript

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SPEAKER_03 0:00

Like I ain't gonna lie, no to the gay stuff. Like, I'm so sorry. Like, even like me kicking it with people and things like that, like I don't wanna be around it. Yeah. And not the strength of like it's hate, nothing like that. I just don't want to be around it. Right. I can't be around it to be honest. Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

It's in my heart, I still wanna do it. Right. You know what I'm saying? I still I don't have no desire to stop really, but the fact that I know I need to. Right.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

So I'm gonna just say it sentence because I know it's a safe place right now. No, I was still going through it. I end up going to jail. I end up, I'm on probation right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

I personally don't care for the people that are fluent. A lot of them be the fakest people.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

When I post stuff, yeah, I'm like losing followers for sure. Because people don't want to see that. I know what it is. Again, like I said earlier, a lot of stuff was acting. Like an album about like me being heartbroken by somebody. Not gonna lie, y'all was not fucking heartbroken.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Because if it was me, I'd say, find it in the Bible. Let me see it in the Bible. We can say that smoke or weed.

SPEAKER_03 0:46

From a little kid, like all I heard was that you're gay, you're a faggy, you're a punk. Yeah, you act like a sissy, like things like that. Right? So as I get older, all I'm gonna know is to act on gay actions.

SPEAKER_02 0:53

At this journey that you're going on, I I applaud you for it because I do see a lot of people who get stuck in what they started. What's up, everybody, and welcome back to another cup of conversation.

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Well, we have conversations worth having. I'm your host, T. And I'm your girl Coco.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

And today we got a real special guest in the building, somebody we've been following for a long time. Long time. Y'all give it up for Zion.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Literally a long time. Like when we first started our um podcast journey, like you was on our on our Pinterest board.

SPEAKER_02 1:39

Like, yeah, our mood board.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

We would send each other like he be doing this. He don't be doing this.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

Like little screenshots of your um, we would literally send it to people we were working with. This is what we want our reels to look like. You see that little that little tag he got on there? That's that's the brand. That's the goal. That's trial and error, y'all. Yes. Me figuring it out. You did a good job of the colour.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Your branding, your branding, A1. Like, whenever we seen anything that was a part of your brand, we knew it was you.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

And that's what we always try to convey to people like that's what we want for our brand. We want to know that this is cup conversation every time.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

Yeah, you ain't even gotta see the sign. If you see the colors and the, you know, you know what's going on.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Yeah, I wonder where I got that from too, because I ain't gonna school for that. Yeah, like we're gonna like be decorating around the house. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Okay, okay. So you got that in the case.

SPEAKER_02 2:24

That probably is what that is.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

So we start off our episode with a segment we call how you feeling and how you dealing, what your feels. And it's basically just a mental check-in. So we want to check in how you feel in this season, like what's your video like?

SPEAKER_03 2:37

Today, um, season. Um encouraged, motivated. Um yeah, encouraged and motivated.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

Well, how you feeling today?

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Today, um I still feel encouraged and motivated, but Lizzie, I know what's funny, you calling me, right? I had listened was in my bed, and Loki like going to like a mental moment. And I got lucky was like, just have prayed to God about something that like Loki, I need to stop worrying about. And it was like a your car was like a ooh, like I'm not gonna say, like, yeah, it was like a C you see? Yeah, like so yeah, I feel like today I was just having like a little mental moment. I don't know the word to put on it. It's just that I am getting to the point where like I don't know, I just be knowing like I'm aware that I think I need to like, I be having like mental moments. I don't know if they call. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

You know what? And I don't I don't want to stop your flow team, but um what I realized recently, my daughter um came in the room and told me, she said, um, and kids are funny. And she was like, Do you want to ask me how I'm doing mentally? But that was her way of wanting somebody to ask her so she can verbalize, and it really hit me like I need to do that more often. But it also gave me a thought, like, is my daughter like me? Because like how you said you don't know what to call it. I have a lot of those. Like, I I I almost kind of diagnose myself with like a form of depression. Like, I deal with a lot of depression a lot of times, and I think it's because of my expectations of my life or whatever the case. I don't know. But I have a lot of those moments, and it made me think about like sometimes that kind of stuff can be hereditary, like you know, dealing with a lot mentally. Yeah, and um, that made me really want to start making a note in my phone or whatever mental note that like I need to start making sure I check in with her, even if ask her if she feels like I told her, like, if you feel like you can't talk to me about it, because she is it almost made me cry, y'all. And I could I didn't want to cry in front of her, but I was she was like, Sometimes I I say, Well, I always she was like, You don't be asking me about my mental. And I was like, Well, I always ask you, like, how did your this go? How did your day go? How you feeling? Did y'all have fun? Like, that's my way. And she was like, Well, sometimes I just say yes, because I don't want to, uh, I don't want to make nobody feel that type of way.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

That's real. And I'm like, That is real, and that's a good real. I was just gonna say, that's a good realization for a nine-year-old.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

And I, but for me, that really hurt me because that gave me, that made me feel like that's what started my people pleasing. You get what I'm saying? That's what started my journey. I didn't want nobody to, I already know you dealing with this, like we were talking about with your mama and coming home. You already frustrated about work. Even if I did feel some type of way, I don't want to tell you that because I see you already mad or whatever the case may be. So I was like, man, like, am I fucking my daughter up? Like, because this is how my shit started. You know what I'm saying? So just what you saying, like, you know, you was having a moment, like I have those moments often, but I didn't think it went past me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so to hear her say that, I was like, this could be a real thing. Like, I might need to put her in therapy earlier than I waited so I got grown. But yeah, it might be beneficial for her to talk to somebody and feel like she has somebody. So she can feel hurt. Right.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

It's crazy how the kid in us still lives as we are adults. Because I do that same thing to Bubba all the time. I like if I really feel like he ain't checked in on me in a while, I'll go up to him and say, hey, is there anything you want to ask me about? Like, you know, how I'm feeling. Like, are you gonna say something? Right. I'm breaking down the ready side. I'm ready for you to say something. Right. But um, like we said, we've been watching your journey and watching you on the podcast for like a long time. And um, since we started, and we noticed the switch and the change and the things that you talk about and the things that you the way you move in now. First, I want to know like what inspired that? What what was like your breakthrough moment where you was like, I gotta do something different?

SPEAKER_03 6:28

Oh when I just stopped, like when I was in the Ask was already right, I could just tell when I was interviewing people, like in my mind, like, okay, so I said I feel like it became like, oh, it's always acting. This is acting. I don't care when I'm gonna do this is acting. Because I said prior to this, I didn't say nothing. I'm a quiet person.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

So it's like all right, like while I'm sitting here talking to people, I'll tell my mind, I'm like, excuse my language, but whole time I'm like, I don't give a fuck what they're talking about. Like somebody getting in there talking about some wild stuff, and I'm like, like, but whole time I'm acting like, ooh, but whole time I was like, I do not care about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think it became like, all right, like something gotta give. I'm not happy doing this. I don't like booking people. At this point, I'm realizing that like I'm canceling people every five seconds, I don't want to go up there. I don't feel like setting up them cameras, like I just didn't feel like doing it no more. So I feel like I started, I think, internally at home and stuff like that. Like, I had started like not going to church yet, but watching virtual church and stuff like that. Um, just kind of like working on myself. I don't know how I ended up going to church. I think me and my friends just say we was gonna go when we just I started watching it. And then I started making like something I did every Sunday. I'm in my bed just watching it and it was like hitting me. And at that time, I didn't know that's what was like transforming me. I did not know what was going on. Like I didn't even know that was affecting anything in my real life. I just knew every Sunday I was showing up. I wasn't reading my Bible, I was not praying, I was doing nothing shit. Just showing up, yeah. That's where it started. Nah, fact. So like I think after that, like when I was like falling out of love with the Alfazari, I didn't even know what that feeling was. I thought it was really just me, like burnt out. It was a burnt out, but it also a little bit of attachment, but like, I'm just over it off the sense of like this gotta give, like something else gotta give. Like, I'm over the purple, I'm over the streamers, I'm over just like I'm over, I'm over drinking, like I'm just over so much stuff that this show like evolves around. So I think that's what like transformed me to be like, all right, like I had basically moved into a bigger studio. And when I moved to the bigger studio, like I'm not gonna lie to you, like I knew I had like rushed to do it because it's always something I want to do. I ended up getting the money to do it. I'm like, ooh, I'm gonna do it, like I can afford it now. And then when listen, when I got that new studio, y'all, I filmed in there probably less than 10 times and had it for 12 months at least.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:27

So it was like key minded less than 12 times, but on top of me not dropping some of them episodes, like me not doing this, finally got the second room to do a different show, didn't do that show. Licidy, like had all this footage, people recorded episodes all that ready to go, just never got the chance to sit out and edit it. I don't edit it. I'm like, ugh, I don't feel like editing. And it was more so because it wasn't a good representation of like where I'm going, yeah, what it was nerfing me and stuff like that. So it made me just be like, all right, I'm walking away. Then when I walked away from it, like clothes up shop, did all that stuff, I was happy because now no shade, like back money in my pocket, tired of penance. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, cool, like I ain't gotta pay that rent no more. That was a little clutch, got the little positive back, everything. I was like, oof. Then I thought I was like, okay, I'm gonna do content, like I'm gonna do it how I want to do, I can finally be creative. Cause like everything I do is like I'm a one-man band. Like cameras, lights, girls, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:13

You said you editing and everything.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

Yeah, like I do from A to Z is me. So like that also could be a lot on somebody too.

SPEAKER_02 9:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:19

Right.

SPEAKER_03 9:19

So it's like, all right, I start doing content. Um, the content I thought I had to do, because I was all right, like I know I want to do like, I know I'm gonna change men and stuff like that. So like I'm gonna come out with Dr. Religious content. And then like when I one time I was filming this uh clip that I was doing, and let's say I just dropped that clip like two weeks ago, right? But I recorded that like six months ago. Um, and in the middle of me doing it, this is like you can judge me a little bit, it's okay. But it's like me being like real.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:45

I was using AI to figure out the verse I wanted to use and like what I want to say. And it was like, in the middle of me when I was like, hell no, like you need to know this by yourself. Like, I ain't really like how it was like, okay, this is the moment of like you're not doing this the right way. Like you doing what you're doing. Like you doing what you see people do. So like stop. Like, stop trying to post stuff, stop trying to make content, walk away from this stuff and get yourself together and like learn about for yourself. Do I know it personally right now? No, but like I know way more than I knew six months ago. Right, yeah, right. AI, like, of all things, AI. Like that was what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Wait, so the AI, what you what were you doing? Like, what were you doing?

SPEAKER_03 10:15

I would tell it like what I'm going through, how I'm feeling this moment, and I'd be like, hey, give me a verse who like that's gonna resonate with how I'm feeling. And like you know, like the verse is cool, all that stuff. Now I was like, all right, like, all right, so like I want to make a video about this, like, tell me how to write it. And so then I would like re-ramp it and rewrite it like based off like based off, legit like when I told her how I was feeling cool, it really did resonate with what I'm saying, but it was like a this not genuine.

SPEAKER_02 10:35

Right.

SPEAKER_03 10:35

Like I don't really like like if I'm gonna do this, I ain't finna do it like that.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

Uh-huh. I get what you I get what you mean. It's almost like an imposter syndrome too. That's what you're saying. Like, I'm playing.

SPEAKER_03 10:43

Yeah, then he gave my point. Yeah, yeah. Like, so it was like, all right, I walked away from that and I took a break. And when I took that pause, like in my um six to eight months, I don't know how long I was gone, but like, I wasn't saying like some people, I feel like some people's journeys when they leave, they be like, oh, it was so beautiful. No, I was still going through it. Like, I end up like I end up going to jail. I ended up, I'm on probation right now. Like, no, I know, right? Like, I just like had a whole bunch of stuff happen. Like, end up losing my partner, not like dead, like walking away from my partner, getting back with my partner, like, now we figuring out, like, dealing with that, that's a lot too, because that's a lot. Um, losing friends, not really losing friends, but like because I isolated so bad, like just walking away from the floor.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Nobody was there when you went back.

SPEAKER_03 11:26

Yeah. Right. That exact statement, right? So, like, I think like when I have those moments, like when I said earlier, I was having a moment in my bed, like all of those thoughts are still like, damn, like I'm still dealing with that. Like, I'm still trying to figure that out. Like, even like how you ask early, like, oh, you're gonna start doing your stuff. I've been feminine, but it's like, okay, like, what are we doing? Like, yeah, next up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

So and that's kind of like why I want to talk to you because I see, I always say this about like artists, and I see like Megan Stallion. I use her as like my basis for this. I see her growing, and it feels like she don't want to talk about the same shit she's been talking about, but that's what her audience is requiring from her. And that's why I don't really, I'm not gonna lie, I don't really like her latest music. Like it's not, it's not how it was at the beginning. I feel like a lot of people that put themselves on these kind of platforms grow in real time, but they still have to live in in the content that they've always created, that they started. Like, and it's a hard switch. Like, are you nervous about putting out your content at all?

SPEAKER_03 12:30

My answer goes, I don't want y'all to think I'm just like saying it and say it, but like, no. Only because, like, don't get me wrong, like when I post stuff, yeah, I'm like losing followers for sure. Cause people don't want to see that. I know that it is, but also like I'm gaining followers. It is what it is. Like, one, that's not what I'm doing it for it, but it's like, you know, we still behind closed doors, you look at your numbers, you gotta look at that. Like, from a professional standpoint, I have to see it. Um, but as far as being nervous, no, only because like truly, like everything I've ever done, like, I'm not gonna lie, I got him put me in a position where even though I was not connected with him, like everything, like, it'd be everything. Like, even after I'm not gonna lie to you. After Dart was Lizzie, like at the time when I used to like smoking stuff like that, like that was a hot thought. That was me and bed with my partner. I'm like, oh, I can do this too. Right. Like just popping it because he showed me a podcast and then like I literally got a mic with my last little teach teacher check. I can do it. Yeah. Like I had to um, like you brought up Megan Stallion. Did a cipher with Megan the Stallion, right? And it was like, I don't really listen to rap music at that time. The girl got in the cipher and then boom. So it was like a I don't know what happened with that, but yeah, it's like stuff we working. So do I have like nervousness? No. I think more so it'd be like a and if y'all want to touch on it because I do want some feel on it, but like it's like a there is a portion of my um, I don't know the right word I'm trying to use, but like a portion that I know I have to speak on as me coming back out and things like that, that like I'm afraid of just a certain portion that I know like you gotta rehash.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

I think I know what that portion is like.

SPEAKER_03 13:57

I gotta speak on because like I don't want to show up again and like not be authentically myself. And I feel like even like prior to me when I was in the Athens Artie, I was lying about stuff that like made me be like, why am I lying about this? Like to please other people. Like I'm afraid you spoke to the people pleasing. So it's like that's the one portion I'm like, I'm not nervous, but I am nervous about like how offending people, I guess. So that's like where I'm at right now. Like, I'm ready to do it, but I'm nervous because like even the episode I knew I could like beat me up.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

So what so what is that part that you like, because I feel like I know, but I want you to speak on it. I think it's your sexuality. Yeah, it is. And I and I, you know what? When I first seen your first video, I think whatever major character. But I but I say that, and the only the reason I know that, not like I'm just some see into the future type of person. But when I seen you as a a part being a part of your audience, um when I seen you come out, I said, this is good. But what does that mean to this? You get what I'm saying? And I feel like um I even when I when I I say for real, for real, because it was when I really started acting like it, but when I feel like I got saved for real, for real, I had to question myself, what does that mean for this? Like you went to church, you did these things, you feel this way, but you have remnants of and what does that mean for me? Can I do it with one over here and one foot over here? Not that I'm purposely having one foot over here and one foot over here, but this is who I am, this is my truth, as as my worldly identity. Like, you know what I'm saying? This is who I've known myself to be. You know what I'm saying? Outside of what I'm trying to be. I've known myself to be this, you know. So I'm asked, I'm asking, like, what does that what does that mean for now? Like, what does that look like?

SPEAKER_03 15:48

I will say, like, I'm gonna be transparent. I we could talk about it because I feel like I have been trying to talk about it. I feel like y'all for sure. Y'all know how to speak. So I feel like this is the perfect time for me to like, okay, y'all know how to speak. So like, let's speak for real. Right, yeah, yeah. I do feel like when I try to like talk about the people, they're not real spoken. So it'd be like, uh, like whatever. Yeah. Um so I'm gonna just say a sentence because I know it's a safe place right now. Um every day I think you gotta deny your flesh. I know you gotta deny your flesh every day. Like that's that's known, right? Deny your flesh don't always have to be like sexual things right there. It could be drinking, it could be smoking, and I'm saying that cussing, like anything. Like it could be eating fries, yeah, yeah. Whatever your thing is. Um my thing will also be like homosexuality. But I also feel like prior to like me walking with God and things like that, actually like connecting with him, like when I was in the world, I never had a boyfriend. I never like dated boys, I was just having sex. Yeah, I never like emotionally attached myself to no boy, like, even though people may think I did. Again, like I said earlier, a lot of stuff was acting. So when I did music, I had made like an album about like me being heartbroken by somebody. Not gonna lie to y'all, I was not fucking heartbroken. It was just like me acting like I don't know, it was like marketing, like I'm gonna just market it because I mean, I don't know. But it was like reality, it was like a no, not my nigga. Like, like, come on now. Um, so I think like now it's like in 2023, I've been talking to this girl since 2022. Like, right now I talked to a girl too. Same girl, to be honest. All right, so in 2023, I had to like a live show, it was a comedy show. I had to get on stage. I ain't never done a live comedy show. Well, I did live shows for the African Jardy, but I never got invited to do like open hosts a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I got invited on stage, I don't I ain't no com, I like being funny, but I ain't no comedian. I ain't write no jokes, baby. I'll get up there and just pop it. So like as me getting on the stage just popping it, which like that's how I know stuff be natural with me. Now I like, I'm like natural stuff. Of course, when I grow and things like that, I gotta get writers, of course, cool.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 17:43

Um, I had got on the stage and I was talking about my relationship, and like before I got on the stage and like I identified people in the room, it was a bunch of like gay people, like gay men that I knew like, well, you know me. Like, you know me. Like, I think I like I got on stage and I was talking about my relationship. It's 22 and 3. Keep my talk to the grand twins and two. Instead of me being honest in them jokes and saying, like, oh yeah, me and this girl was talking, I was so afraid to just say it was a girl. I started saying me and this boy was talking. And that was my first, like, I'm lying about me talking to like mm-mm. Like, I ain't like that feeling. That was my first little like, mm-mm, I don't like that. Yeah. So then I got close to God and things like that. I feel like when was what slowed me down with content, because I was really supposed to come back in April and I was like, mm-hmm I'm nervous because like I know like if I'm gonna do it, like I wanna be able to like say like transparently, like I'm out, like I ain't gonna lie, like no to the gay stuff. Like, I'm so sorry. Like, even when like me kicking it with people and things like that, like I don't want to be around it. Yeah, and not the strength of like it's hate, nothing like that, but it's just strength of like I just don't want to be around it. Right, I can't be around it, to be honest.

SPEAKER_02 18:44

Right, right. Gotta know yourself in the beginning stages of that.

SPEAKER_03 18:47

Yeah, facts. Like, and it's also like a lot of times I get back around this like for what? When truly, like when I wasn't aware, like I ain't even like being around the fruit. Yeah, I was when I was around it, same people's calling me awkward. Cause this is awkward. Like, I know too many this is something wrong. So you have a kid, right? So like I feel like a lot of stuff that I had to work through that I realized too is that I think a lot of I don't know if y'all believe that like when you speak stuff over people, like that's bad. Like you calling somebody, if you tell a little girl from when she a kid, like you ugly, you ugly, ugly, yeah, she's gonna be 30 thinking she's ugly.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most definitely.

SPEAKER_03 19:17

So like from a little kid, like all I heard was that you gay, you're faggy, you're a punk. Yeah. You act like a 60, like things like that. Wow. Right. So as I get older, all I'm gonna know is act on gay actions. Right.

SPEAKER_00 19:25

So like, yeah, when I finally Because you put yourself in a box that people already put you in. Basically, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:29

Like I got memories from people like as a kid, like I'm chilling around my family, and like I think I I forgot what I like. I'm in a bathtub, chilling around my family. Somebody walked in the restaurant telling myself. Tell me the truth, are you gay or not? I'm like seven probably. Like, I bust out crying, like, bro. Cause first of all, you didn't walk in the restaurant with me, like I'm in the tub. Like, this is water ducky and everything like that. Then it was like, I mean, one time somebody like, I'm a kid still, I'm around my family. They're like, oh yeah, it looked like you sucking dick.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

That's true.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

And then, like, you know, going through life, like middle school, you got boys being weird. Like, I mean, one time we was a theatrically, that's how you know, like, memories, traumatic stuff when you remember it, because like I still remember this random day in middle school. Right. But I do.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

Right.

SPEAKER_03 20:06

Middle school one day, I think when we in seventh grade, lights cut off in the classroom. I don't know where it's theater room. The kids start being childish, like, ah, doing all that right. The boy like ended up like dry, like humping me while the lights went off. And it was like, like, what?

SPEAKER_02 20:21

Like why you thought I was cool with that?

SPEAKER_03 20:23

Yeah, but it was like same time, like I'm timid at the time. So it's like, what the f like, what?

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Right.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Then it's like sound, like, you know, like this the same kid that like, okay, like I already have an episode about this, but like, you getting touched on already. So it's like little stuff, like yo, your other cousins, older cousins touching on you. So it's like, there's so many things from a little kid that made me just feel like I don't really want to say, I don't know how to word it properly. Y'all can help me with that, but I do think like a lot of the like homosexual actions and things like that were.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

It was almost groomed.

SPEAKER_03 20:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

And like I can't help the mannerisms. Like I was talking to somebody else, and like the episode will come out soon, but like I do got the episode with somebody who like she not getting no more cool, but she was saying, like, yeah, like yo, mannerisms, blah, blah, blah, I used to fix your mannerisms, blah, blah, blah. And it was like a I can't help the mannerisms. And I think that kind of made me be like, why I be so scared to like talk about it? Because it's like, I know I still got the mannerisms, but it'd be like, I'm not doing that shit on purpose, bro.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

What I would say is, um, I'm a I feel like that was heavy.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Sorry. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

That was that was good. That was perfect. Yeah, really, yeah. Because I think what happens a lot of times, even with people that come to Christ, I think a lot of it is out of performance. Even when people that are new babies in Christ, you almost kind of like how you spoke about grooming, you do this, you do this, you do this. We as people learn what we see when you go to church, you see that oh, they got filled with the Holy Ghost. That means they really say. Oh, we hook what something really means onto an action when sometimes that don't be that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And so for her to say, you gotta fix your mannerisms is very performative to me because in my core who I am, if I know who I am, none of my mannerisms gonna. Ever matter.

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Right, right. You get what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 22:04

So y'all, like, she literally was a stud at first and she was like, Yeah, like she was saying it, like, y'all gonna see it. And I feel like it's bad because I probably shouldn't be talking, but this is how it really felt. Okay. Right. Because that was a while. Um, she was like, Yeah, like I know that when I need to put on lip gloss, I need to do that. And in my head, like I I spoke up on it because it was I circled back to her because I was like, hey, I want to address the mannerism thing. And she was like, Yeah, like when I walked up on you, da-da-da-da. She was like, Yeah, you need to finish your mannerisms because blah-da-da-da. But it was like a I thought I was like, You don't feel like some of the stuff you're doing is like a costume? Yeah, necessarily.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

You're not a study, or you're not getting them.

SPEAKER_03 22:35

Right, yeah, like that's not how they work.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

That's never gonna out.

SPEAKER_03 22:38

They got films.

SPEAKER_00 22:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

It's not gonna outdo your heart.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

It's not gonna outdo what you really want and what you really desire, or whatever the case may be, and you acting on it. So it I don't think that it comes a point to where it's like, oh, you have to fix this part of you. And this is what I always say. I used to smoke hella weed. And I would, and and I would consider myself, I've been saved for a long time. But in the process of me being a weed smoker, I didn't listen. I used people used to talk about me, my husband too. You listen to the gospel music, smoking the blood, oh, I'll be sitting in the car smoking the blood, and I just start praying. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'll be I I remember the one time I was actually convicted of it. And it was deep off into me feeling like I was saved for real. I had never been convicted of like smoking. I felt like God knew me. He knew that I ain't out here killing nobody. I'm smoking. I ain't, you know, so I made it like I didn't feel like I had to do that because in my heart of hearts, I didn't have a feeling about it. And I feel like and God knows when you have a feeling about it and when you don't. You get what I'm saying? And you know when you got a feeling about it and when you don't. And it wasn't until I actually had a feeling, like literally, I was on the way to pray for somebody. And um, I was getting in my car, had my blood, got my purse, okay, got my purse, got my blank, make sure I got a lighter. And I went to smoke my blood. And literally, God said, I need your best self right now. This, this, this, this, what she's going through is heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need your best self. You know what I'm saying? I need her to see me when she sees you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't do that. I'm sorry. But you know what I'm saying? So that wasn't until I got like, damn, he feel away about this. Because if it was me, I would say, find it in the Bible. Let me see it in the Bible when you say I'm smoking weed. Yeah, you're not gonna get me off my weed. You get what I'm saying? So I always tell people, it's not even about what you can do. You cannot outdo God, you cannot outdo who you really are. Yeah, you can, you can, I can try to talk better, do, do, do, do, do. But if you're not that person for real, it's always gonna show at some point.

SPEAKER_02 24:47

And that's what I was remembering before you pulled up. I was just saying, like, maybe as a baby Christian, I don't feel like I have the right to speak on certain things because I don't know it fluently enough.

SPEAKER_03 24:57

Okay, I'm gonna pause. Let me correct you on that right now. Speak on whatever you want to speak on. Because I will say, like, that's how I felt at first. So, like, even though it's like a big thing. Yeah, like what you were just explaining about the reading of the Bible. Like, she she okay, I don't read books. I ain't gonna lie to you. I don't read books. And I probably shouldn't be saying out loud. So, you know. As a teacher, it's a good thing. I know, it's like I don't read books. Like, it's just never my thing, you know. I'm sorry. But yeah, so like me reading the Bible is a challenge for me because I don't like reading books.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

Right.

SPEAKER_03 25:20

Sorry. So like a lot of times, like with my partner, like, she'll mention like certain scriptures and she'll be like, Well, I'm this far, and I read this chapter all the time, girl. I'm still a Genesis. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's uh readers, like, not like that, but like that's how I feel about any book you bring to me. You don't know stuff. So it's just like, but I did have to like explain to her one time and just playing to people, like, I start feeling like, oh, I can't speak in this, or I'm less than because you know the scripture. Like, don't feel like that. I broke out of that. And like to this day, like I've read the book more, right? But like I'm still not that far, but it's like I still feel confident because, like you said, Simon to like what she's saying is like once God speaks to you and he like he ain't changing you, like you just speaking on your change. You speak on the change. Right, right. Like, right. You ain't gotta know the manual. Well, you know.

SPEAKER_02 25:55

Like, but like what you said about that AI with the scripture and stuff, I felt that because that's how I feel. Like, especially sometimes, and and I'm not trying to compare myself to you or nothing like that, but you are one of the people who helped me, like, make sure, you know, you start influencing my church um life. And it's kind of intimidating to be this big age, and you know, you don't know about X, Y, and Z, especially when you go to church around people who've been around church since in church since they was kids. I was just in a young adult choir last Sunday, and like everybody was fluent. Yeah, they was, oh, we ain't did the young adult choir since 2020, and yada yada yada. And I'm thinking like this is my first young adult choir. Right. It's my first time ever in the choir, God.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah, but you know, too, I feel like I personally don't care for the people that are fluent. A lot of them be the fakest people. And they be the people that um are performing. You know all of the scriptures. You can know all of the scriptures, but if you not, so for me, and I'm with you with the AI. Chat is my friend. If I get it, if I if I say if I don't know something that I don't know, and I'm like that too, I listen to the Bible. Yeah, where's what where do the in the Bible do we talk about and I know? You told me to start reading the Bible.

SPEAKER_03 27:16

My AI thing was because I was making videos. I still use it for reference for sure.

SPEAKER_00 27:20

Right, but I feel like the people that are in it are very much more so able to talk about it than they are actually walking it out. Like I be, I and I say that because I've been around people that are like, I'm like, oh, they know the Bible for real. They ain't playing they some Bible thumpers. Like, you know, then I get and hang with them outside of our adorable settings, church, and I'm like, oh, you still you do that? Yeah, that's you.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

And and honestly, I felt that about you in the beginning of our relationship. Right. But I was like, this is so real. And now I don't, like you said, I'm not like drawn to the people that know it front to back. Uh I mean, you can know it front to back, but I still want to see you as a person. Like, I don't want to see you as a performer. I don't.

SPEAKER_03 28:01

So actually what happened was with the the girl I talked to, right? So she had ended. I don't know how to word this properly, but basically there was a moment where I feel like she was. I had made a joke, right? Let me use this, let me use this example. I made a joke about some food stamps one time. I think we we saw my girl, she was texting, and I was like, LOL, we need some food stamps. Like I was just playing. And her response was, we do not need food stamps, we are blessed, God has covered us. And it was like, bro, like, I know that. Like, like, I know. I'm just joking. Like, I'm really just keeping the conversation flowing here. Like, you kind of just like made me like, all right, like and like listen, that made me like God forbid we joked. Like, I was like, hey, like, I don't know, something about this not feeling right. Cause I couldn't even just make a joke. Yeah. So then it was like, after we like separated, came back, it was like because at that time we both was in some churches that we need to be in. Like, we got that church. I think she decayed her senses, I decayed my senses, so everything's back cool. Um, but it was like a with I had to work on myself because she had Lucky make the same little joke like a month ago. And I wanted to be like, oh no, we don't need full stamps, but I had to be like, take the high road, like don't say.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:06

But yeah, because I wanted to be like, oh no, don't ask for that. But it was like, that let me know right there, like, when people are so like, because sometimes when people are like new to Christ, they are very like, I have to, dah dah dah dah. Like, it gotta be perfect. And I do feel like my journey wasn't like that. Like, I wasn't perfect. I was still trying to figure it out, like, stay place, no judgment. Literally, the day before I got baptized, I had one out with my friends um and just got toe up.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Right.

SPEAKER_03 29:32

Like, so toe up. Like, I'm like, and then like literally, right before like we was finna go home, I had something to mention. I was like, Lord, I'm getting baptized tomorrow. Lord, like it's over. Like, one last run, one last run, let's go, let's get it. And it was just like looking at that point, it was like a, I ain't gonna lie, like I'm not even mad about that because it was like a that's just human. I feel like that was a human experience. Like even after I got baptized, like you do your little one, three, maybe a fresh month where you just really living it, and then you start kind of slipping because it comes back out of you because you gotta realize, like, you gotta make a daily decision.

SPEAKER_00 30:02

Yes, a minute to minute decision.

SPEAKER_03 30:04

Moment, yeah. Nah, facts, minutes, nah, facts.

SPEAKER_02 30:07

Yeah, half of the day might go good, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:09

No, but it's real though. But also, I feel like with you, I would say that, like, say, like, if you do have moments where like you feel like you mess up, that's for all of us. You feel like you have moments where you mess up, right? I had to learn that like my relationship with God, which is recent guy like a month ago, where like I made God kind of like like I'm in trouble all the time or something. Like, my relationship was very much like a, oh, I know you're so disappointed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would go to him always saying sorry.

SPEAKER_01 30:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:30

Like even it'll be like, thank you. I'll be like, I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be better. Like, and I had to realize, like, I started going to a different church called The Garden, and that like really changed my mind about it. It was like, why do I keep going to this man? Like he finna whoop me.

SPEAKER_00 30:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 30:42

And that's like that's different.

unknown 30:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:44

That's like, and he forgave me as I'm sitting there doing this. So it was like a I knew you was gonna do it. Nah, no, for real. So it was, I had to realize in that moment, like, once I got better with like saying, like, thank you, God, like, hey, like, this is how I'm coming, come to you naturally. Like, I feel like that helped my relationship grow. And I feel like me, as like, I still feel like I'm like a baby Christian. I don't know. So I feel like that's what's helping my relationship grow. And like, that's what makes me have more like a okay, I like really am seeking his life. Like, I really do want to like read my Bible more. Like, I'm not doing it every day, I'm not perfect with it, but like I know like I make the attempt to like, all right, let me at least open this Bible app right. Right. At least make sure I'm not grabbing this song every morning. Like, I say do your stride.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Like, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:18

No matter how her walk is, what I'm saying here, whatever you see, you might walk through Jacks tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 31:22

So I think that's important for us to like speak out on that, especially like as young adults, because I think people that are scared to come to Christ feel like they gotta come perfect. Yeah. And that's been one of my like things. And then trying to like talk to people that's that's been knowing me as me, as the flesh worldly tia. And when I start talking about stuff like that, I don't want them to be like, girl, that is not you. You know what I mean? But if that is what you think, you just don't know me now. But I do feel like exactly, and I do feel like I might not always have the right things to say, but I do know that like when I just seen it, for example, I was talking to my friends, and they was telling them about another one of our friends who was like going through something and she just can't seem to pull herself up out of it. And I was just like, you know, God let her walk away from that the first time. I'm gonna pray that she gets some enlightenment this time because I'm scared for her on this go-round. Like, you went through that one time and you survived it. Now you done put yourself in that again. Like, and when I said God, they all was like, oh, that was that was it. That's that's what we needed to hear to because we was all like, how we gonna help her? What we gonna say to her? You know, she gonna close off if we say the wrong things. So God is what you say. You pray for them, you you speak life into them, but you also just tell them the right and the wrong. Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_03 32:42

My bad. Something else I learned was like, um, as I start working on myself and like really just like doing my thing, like naturally, I start realizing that some of the people that I do talk today today, like, oh, you found God. Like, oh, you trying to do it. Like, I think like naturally, like that's when I'm in isolation, but I'm still like peeping in, peeping out. It was like a, oh like, I ain't know she like she really like knowing the scripture, like, okay, like something else, though. That's why I think it's like a so sometimes like you working on yourself may just like that mean like I think I can't say it verbatim, right? But like I know like sometimes they be like, say she get a blessing, right? It'd be like, all right, well cool. That means like the blessing on the same street.

SPEAKER_02 33:17

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_03 33:17

So it's like your change in development, that means like, okay, he's finna do that in your circle. Nah, everybody not gonna get the same change development. We're gonna I want to talk about that separately. But yeah, I feel like that's just like a just know like your walk gonna like inspire your friends, and you did.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

It was like you said something about God, and it was like, oh yeah, like it's almost like we scared to talk about it to each other until one person say, Oh yeah, I do this. And they like, no, yeah, I've been really.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

The fear, I feel like, and I could be wrong, but I feel like the fear sometimes is that because we don't show up perfect and we have that component of our life, we don't want to talk about that component because we already know that we don't show up perfect. Because we think that that's what it takes too. Yeah, if I'm gonna talk about God, I need to have shown that I'm talking about God. I can talk about it. You get what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 34:03

I'm sitting here with a drink in my hand and telling you bear God.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

Yeah, and so um, and for me, to go back to what you saying about how you was like God, you looked at him like he was gonna whoop you. For me, I always look at God like this. I know I'm not perfect. I know you know that I that I have a hard time. I'm gonna have a hard time. I have a hard time with fulfilling your word. You already knew that. You knew that when you wrote it, that we was gonna have a hard. That's why it's the route that you gave it to us, the way you gave it to us. So for me, I'm always like, God, I'm not sorry, but just help me with this. I ain't ready to let this go. God help me with this until because what people don't realize is you don't need to be sorry to God. You need to repent. And when you ready, and when you only repent when you're ready to repent, when you really, because repenting is change behavior. So until you know, I know I asked God that I'm so I ain't told God I'm sorry for cussing. Because I know that tomorrow I'm gonna cuss. Before we leave the show, I'm gonna cuss. I'm only asking God every day when I say my prayers, God help me to make my mouth like your mouth. Give me uh uh better words to say, give me like I'm asking him that every day until he does change it. So then when I come to him, I'm for real. Yeah, you get what I'm saying? So I think if we get in a habit of just asking God to fix you, like you don't, you know, and and sometimes your fixing happened in a day, sometimes it happened in two days, a week, a month, years, two years.

SPEAKER_02 35:21

And it can't happen just because you think that's what you're supposed to do. Because I've I with the whole Cain and Abel story, how I uh how he brought a blessing to God and God was like, mm, that didn't really come from your heart. Try again. I feel like that. Like I wholeheartedly feel like sometimes I'm trying to stop stuff and I'm saying, God, please help me stop doing it. But it's in my heart, I still want to do it. Right. You know, I'm saying I still, I don't have no desire to stop really, but with the fact that I know I need to. Right. You know, so like it get hard until you get, like you said, that loud voice of conviction. Right. It get hard at the beginning, especially when you're just trying to feel like you're performing everything right. Like I'm trying to, I'm going to church every Sunday. They need to see me, X, Y, and Z. They need to see me at the best that I could be. And I'm not gonna be that. I'm not gonna ever be perfect.

SPEAKER_03 36:06

I can't be perfect either. I feel like, like, like I just saw, like, I'm a chill person. So even at like church I go to now, like, I go to church with a girl, right? So she like, she liked the social aspect of it. Me, I ain't gonna lie, I like going to church and I talking. Like, I don't like the interaction. Actually, truly don't.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

You and me both.

SPEAKER_03 36:22

You know, facts, I don't. So it's like, but I know, like, okay, I do want to join this church. I was going, I joined the church a little bit, and I left because it was like, ooh, there's so much interaction. Yeah. So I do feel like sometimes I do feel like with the walk and things like that, like, you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to do like check all the boxes, like when you're doing going to church and doing these things. Cause like one of the boxes truly is at trace, they be like, oh, you gotta serve, you gotta do these things. Like, yeah, find your little niche, because it's like community, yeah, find it, but like I don't think it has to be the praise scene, or it doesn't have to be the like more people. Like, it don't have to, it could be just, hey, I bring the coffee, I pick up the coffee, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I put it through a DoorDash order or something, but like I do feel like I'm at a point where like I'm trying to find my way into a church community where like I could do a serve, like how I know like I want to serve. I just like a lot of sometimes like because people, when I do join churches, and they like be like, oh, you do this, you do that, da da da. It's like, I don't want to do that here. Right, right, right. That's not what I can't like. I'm in one church, they was like, oh, you a teacher? Oh, do children's ministry. Well, that's a no for me, actually. Yeah, um, I work Monday to Friday, not trying to do it here. Yeah. But then it was also like somebody's like, oh, you do graphics. Okay, do the graphic stuff. And it was like a no. Like.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

And I almost volunteered to do that too for my church. Like to meet me.

SPEAKER_03 37:30

Like, not that I wouldn't, but it's like a, I would like to just find what I want to do. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. Right. I'm just trying to find my footing in here.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

Yeah, let me get the word, let me get all my.

SPEAKER_03 37:38

I just want to go to church because I need to learn. I just need to be here at present. I don't need the other stuff to be honest. And I don't know how to like, I'm right now doing like word that like to probably because I do feel like right now, like, I'm in a moment where like people are like, oh, go ahead and join. But I don't think joining means I feel like back when I thought joining the church made you just join the church.

SPEAKER_00 37:56

First yeah, I feel like joining the church.

SPEAKER_03 37:58

Like, your job.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

Join join a church is not a real thing in the Bible. That's not a real thing. Joining a church is not a real thing. So for me, I always see what do God say about this. And I feel like joining a church is like joining a religion, and God didn't support religious religion. So you get what I'm saying? I don't have to, I could be on a media team and not ever join your church.

SPEAKER_02 38:22

Right.

SPEAKER_00 38:22

Well, some churches make it to where you can't do stuff like that, but that's a part of the problem too. Um, but I feel like too, I'm one of those people I don't need to show you that I can serve. Yeah, I can serve in my everyday life. You know what I'm saying? Serving, worshiping, that's that's all, that's everyday for me. So I feel like I don't have to do it here at this point. And I think when you my experience from joining church and joining like ministries, I didn't been a part of the media ministry, I didn't been a part of praise the M. I didn't been a part of ministries, and it always is clickish.

SPEAKER_02 38:58

That's how I feel. And uh, I was doing my best not to feel like that, but that's how I felt like everybody already knows each other, you know. It's like y'all talk every day, welcoming as they try to make it seem.

SPEAKER_03 39:11

Yeah, it don't fully. And it's I also now I gotta hold us accountable too. Are we also looking like we want to be like spoken to? Are we welcoming as well too? Because I do know me. When I walk into places, it'd be like it gives, like, oh, you don't want to be talked to. But it's like, that's just fear, that's just me shy, like really interesting. Like I'm really cool cool, but like even when I talk to people, like once somebody went to church, and the church I go to is very nice. I'm not gonna lie to you. They had like a little media thing, and like, don't get me wrong, I had listed the whole sermon, right? But I don't know why I can't like somebody can ask me, Lizzie or walking and be like, what you just learned? And I my brain just gonna go like blank. The man put me on the camera talking about some. So, how was church and what did you learn today? I was like, ugh, bruh, like it's like, but that's what I mean by like, I just want to go to church and just like, bro, like just let me come and be present. And like, trust, I did learn something is definitely in my notes. Right. But it's just like let me process it. Yeah, like all the social stuff.

SPEAKER_00 40:00

Let me see how it fit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:01

And I think that I want grace on it in my next like church and walk that I'm about to go into. Cause like I do climb up. Like every time I go in church, it just may sound funny, but like, I don't know, because it's humid or how the church is built. Um, every time I walk in that church, I have to go to the restroom first because I literally have to wipe my forehead off because I'm sweating. Because like I don't know if it's anxiety, I'm anxious, or it's like even outside, it's just so many. And like by the time from when you get out that parking garage to when you have to walk across the street, up the stairs, go up the escalator, go up another set of stairs, turn the right, then you finally walk in, you just spoke to 15, 20 people. I'm an anxious person. So like that's making me like that's overwhelming. Yeah, yeah. That's that's why I'm right now with everything. Yeah, when it comes to the city.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

He can tell you. I didn't, we didn't have an episode where we talked about the certain things that we don't like about church. And like we had some episodes, and and I think that church is really good for people. It keeps you count uh how it holds you accountable when you go back and it's like, okay, every week, what what did I do different? What can I do different? It's an accountability component, it's a way to fellowship, it's a way to be amongst other people that want to be like you or believe, and you know. But I think sometimes the way that we do church now is is a um it's a hindrance to some people. A lot of people really. I feel like um, like you said, you went to a church, it's no way you should feel the way you feel at a church function, like that. Yeah, like whether you they will have to tell me, because I've been on both sides. I've been new to a church, and I've also been, like I said, I've been in a church for a long time. So I've also been a part of the like the praise and teams, new praise answers come like, you know, you gotta make it your business to make people feel welcome and stuff like that. Because I've also been on the receiving side of where it's oh, it's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the best mind miners at the church, and and we don't include y'all, y'all the D-list dancers. Like, I've been a part of stuff like that. And so I just always make it a point to fix my heart posture and make sure I don't make anybody feel like I felt before. And so I think if we did that more often, instead of getting on that once, feeling like that one side, then finally getting on that side and forgetting that feeling that you felt, we would be better off. Yeah, we would be better off with people coming to church and enjoying church and not people making even the older people feel making people feel some type of way if they come in a church.

SPEAKER_02 42:16

Especially the older people.

SPEAKER_00 42:17

Yeah, if you come into church with some short shorts on, yeah. Granted, if I'm been in church three to six months and I'm like knowing the culture and knowing I'm learning a little thing. But if I'm coming for the first time, I walk in here with a spaghetti strap shirt on, this is not the time. You about to lose a soul with your attitude. Yeah, yeah. You get what I'm saying? You about to lose a soul because you worried about my spaghetti strap shirt.

SPEAKER_02 42:38

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 42:39

And you don't know that I'm I damn near was gonna commit suicide this morning. Right, right. And thank God I got here. You get what I'm saying? So I think that people just have to be more less judgmental. Like I think that's what you get here in the church and then you like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:52

Yeah, fact.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

You get what I'm saying? So and that really like disturbs people.

SPEAKER_03 42:58

Yeah, even now. Church I go to is new. And like you're right. Not gonna lie, don't really see that many old people there. But like, I see older people, like I'm age, but like not no old old people. Like they don't want hats in that church. Yeah. Like they what they're doing. But like I didn't feel like I like that. Yeah, like what you're saying is true. I do feel like I hope in my situation, and I guess it's like a little call for help. So if you go to their church and you see it, I hope that it's not misconstrued that like when I do go to church that I'm being standoffish on purpose. It is just like anxiousness. Yeah, and I do feel like every time I go to a church, I feel like that'd be my situation I be dealing with. And I do want people to like, some people do, like, I feel like in your sense, like you wanted someone to come speak to you and like include you. Sometimes like I want that, but I need one person at a time.

SPEAKER_01 43:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:38

I just need one person. Yeah, yeah. I don't need 15 people. That's gonna make me, ooh, yeah, clam up. Cause like I just get like that no matter where I'm at. Like at work, it could be I nah I'm still battling like a little stuff like I have to go to Walmart with headphones on. I have to do things with headphones on.

SPEAKER_02 43:52

I I've been doing it lately. I just don't want nobody to say nothing to me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:56

Yeah. So like I think also come like a lot of like anxiousness from like the Alphasarity, not gonna lie, I come a lot. Anxious for that, like when people see you, like, ah, like that was also very like, so I think like I'm working on that too. So I think even with church, like I just need a safe place where, like, I don't know, somebody could just see that and just like no that I truly do want to be here. And I do eventually want to start here, but like give me some time, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:16

And the way you want to say I like the way that remember that episode we were talking about the things we did or didn't like in church. I like the way that you put um as somebody who's been in who's been saved for a while, that you don't always need the the church house. Like wherever more than two people gather and we study in the word of God, that's church. So the fact that you saying, like you and your husband and sometimes your mama and your daughter, y'all sit in the backyard and y'all do Bible study at home on Sundays instead of I don't want to feel obligated to the religion. I don't want to feel religious, like I'm doing this religiously. Like I gotta go, I gotta, I gotta. If I don't go, I ain't saved.

SPEAKER_00 44:50

If I don't go, I ain't really loving God. I ain't prioritizing God. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 44:53

I can't believe it's like skipping a Sunday. I be like, what is what's gonna happen if I miss too many Sundays in a row? Like, I don't want to feel like that type of Christian. I don't want, and I guess it's just like from what I'm seeing, from like what I think a Christian should be or somebody a Christ follower should be. But now that you speak on going to like a younger church, maybe that might be it for me. Because I go to an older church right now and I like it because of the community, but I've been thinking about trying, just going to other churches and seeing what's up, seeing what's different.

SPEAKER_03 45:24

Not to keep like popping it, but like I genuinely do like that church. It took me a while to like that. Not it didn't take me a while to like that church. It took me like maybe two sermons.

SPEAKER_02 45:30

Did you go to a couple before you found that one?

SPEAKER_03 45:32

Yeah, I hopped around for sure. Okay, okay. This church, I had gone for couples, I went to like two pop-up shots they had before they established in Houston. And I was like, okay, I like this, it's cool. Then I stopped going, came back, and I was like, okay, I like this. Then I came back and like I like was like, okay, let me turn my mind to be open to this fully. Because like I like the environment. Like, let me do this what he's saying for real. And I was like, all right, cool. And he spoke on something that made me like grow as a man. And I we could, if we got time, we can touch on it. But like as a man, I feel like I would never do praise and worship know the whole time. The reason why I don't do praise and worship full out, even to this day, like I just know the one time I do praise and worship, like, truly, truly, truly, y'all, like, I know I'm a bus I can.

SPEAKER_01 46:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:06

I just know it.

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

So like even when I'm at church, like I be like, like fighting back, I be holding back, and like one day I just got a Lego. I know I need to. I just I when they be like come to the altar, I'd be like, oh, I want to, somebody just come grab me by the neck, walk me up there. Cause that's what I know I need, but it's like uh, he spoke in the sermon, he was like, you know, like basically he was just saying, like, this is gonna be a church where like men like praise God. And like I think that was the first church where I saw like, okay, they clapping their hands, they singing a song. So like it made me be like, and it was like it was a sermon where he was like, we just gonna praise God. And it was like, all right, like you can't just be a standard not doing it. So it was like, okay, I did it. At that time, it was like, okay, like everybody else was doing it. It's like next time it was like a okay, like, yeah, yeah. And then like now, like I like Jean like going to the church to like, okay, this is the first church where like I really can like do praise and worship. And I do feel like okay, I'm finally like able to like drop them walls and like just really like relax and like do into it. So like now when it's time to like listen to a sermon, things like that. I'm open-minded to it. So I do think that's the benefits of like this church because like he do speak on stuff that like our generation is like I think sometimes when you got an older pastor, he's talking to his people. Yes, these young people, they're talking to us. And it's like uh he's still like he's still older, he probably like late 30s, but like that's young enough for us. I'm not gonna lie. So like I think that's the benefit of a younger church. And the old church is good too, sometimes too.

SPEAKER_02 47:17

But like, yeah, they'll get you a good start, but to find your, I feel like to find your footing in it, you gotta be by like-minded people, people who understand what you're going through. Right. And I feel like a younger church altogether just understands better what you're going through. But this journey that you're going on, I I applaud you for it because I do see a lot of people who get stuck in what they started.

SPEAKER_01 47:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:40

And they act like just because they growing, they can't change, you can't, you can't maneuver, you can't, I'm scared to produce, present this, this new audience. Yeah, like people might think I'm faking or whatever the case may be. And it's so bold to switch up the way you're switching up. Like, like you said, you might be losing some people, but you're gonna gain. You're gonna gain the right people. Right. And it's gonna feel good. It's not gonna feel like, oh, I gotta listen to this again, I gotta hear this conversation again. Because at the beginning of this podcast, Coco, I'll tell you, like, we would have been going anywhere if I'm in the driver's seat, baby. I'm whatever. Like, whatever's gonna get us famous, whatever's gonna get us some money, say whatever.

SPEAKER_00 48:18

I would come to the I would come to the podcast, like, she would know I would be like, Yeah, cocoa in it.

SPEAKER_02 48:25

Like, she literally said no, I'm tired of talking about that. And I'd be like, what's going on? What's wrong with you? I just she was like, I just I'm not in the mood to talk. I'm tired of talking about, but I think it was what we was talking about. Talking about, yeah. And we we pivoted that like a while ago when we was just like, we need to find our core audience. And just looking into the life that we growing into, that's where we was going. And it's good that we caught it where we caught it at because young going through stuff, you can be like, oh, if this gonna get me to where I need to go, let me just do it. Let me do it. Let me just and I feel like that's where a lot of people end up. A lot of podcasters end up in that, let me just do it. And I don't think a lot of people sit back and think about what they want their audience to look like in a way.

SPEAKER_03 49:09

Like even when I was sitting talking to people, I feel like I was moving grimy. Like I would literally like sit here and listen to people and just like, I would be, I don't know the right word for it. Y'all can probably help me, but like, tell me you to say like you're telling me a story, right? I'm waiting for you to say something where I know like, gotcha. Like, it just started feeling like it was just like Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you mean. I get what you mean. Your story, like I'm like, mm-hmm, I'm ready for you to slip. I'm ready, like, but it was like a husband, I'm not listening to you saying, but I'm ready for you to say something that's like I could spin it on you. Right, right. And it was like though, I think that's what made me be like, mm-hmm. I feel like a terrible person doing this. Like, this is a terrible trade. Gotta get that moment out you. Yeah, like I'm I'm okay on this.

SPEAKER_00 49:45

Yeah. Well, so what's the name of the new stuff?

SPEAKER_03 49:48

Uh the new stuff spot since we're being honest. Um, I'm still trying to figure it out fully.

SPEAKER_02 49:52

Since we're being honest, just gonna say that. I don't get that.

SPEAKER_03 49:55

Since we're being honest, what it's like I know a good name. It's just basically just like, yeah, me being honest. Like, um You the person for that too. Like, yeah, I learned that. I ain't gonna lie, I don't know if that's a bad trait. I be telling the truth.

SPEAKER_00 50:08

You transfer, you don't fight. I'm not gonna be like, damn. That's a good, that's a good trait.

SPEAKER_03 50:12

Like one time I was at work and my uh boss, I'm gonna teach you, so my principal came, he was like, Yeah, I saw your post about uh your walk with God and da da da da da da. And I was like, well, you know my business now. That means you I work with you for real. So damn, like that just made me be like, I tell the two too much, but I also feel like I like the vulnerability because like not to be so dramatic, but like if I do go away, I feel like that's something my kids can look back at. Yeah. And see, like, all right, at least he was honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my little journal, no matter what.

SPEAKER_02 50:36

But it's crazy how just vulnerable you are and like up front. Because just now when you told that story about um getting drunk before you went to go get baptized. Yeah, it was real. I was fighting not to hit that blend before I went to choir practice.

SPEAKER_03 50:48

Well, I was But why like why I don't know to be like, why be?

SPEAKER_02 50:52

But I and I don't want to say that, like, I don't want to tell nobody, girl, you was you couldn't hit the you was about to go to choir practice, and I did. I did.

SPEAKER_03 51:00

Nah, did it be real? Like, I'm not gonna. I can't fully be real for what I work at, but like I was lit. Like, and I think it's like more so I say the truth about that situation, because like I look at it like it was actually gently funny. Like, yeah, if y'all could see it, it was like, you so dramatic. Like that's something in the movie. Like, why was you sitting outside the club like acting like it's just like people? Like you just like it's just looking like it's cute music. Yeah, like here go. Like, I'm gone, y'all. Like it's like it gave like I'm about to get married tomorrow. That was my last night out there. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I just like being honest. Um, I don't know where I get it from. Um, sometimes I do feel like I'm too honest, like, but it is what it is. Um, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 51:38

You you that's a good trait to have. And it's an inspiration to somebody who is overly honest and thought that I needed to dial it back these last couple years. I'm like, but you're telling too much. You need to, especially now we got a podcast and I'm on the mic. I'm honest, baby, but I felt like to a certain extent, you gotta know where to, you gotta know where to draw that line. But yeah, I feel like all my honesty is part of my testimony. So it's just like gonna get somebody where they need to be, or it's gonna be It's gonna make somebody feel like they got it too.

SPEAKER_00 52:05

They gonna they can do it too.

SPEAKER_02 52:06

Yes. Yeah, that's real. I love that. I didn't get to none of my questions, but I got a question before we wrap it up.

SPEAKER_03 52:12

If you can ask one question that's on your list, okay. One question that you just know you want to ask. Okay, go ahead. At least not it's on your list. Oh, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 52:18

You go um let me see. We just went. Do you think people share their healing journey too early? Um we just kind of talked about uh sharing.

SPEAKER_03 52:32

Yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 52:34

It's like a I feel like no, because I like you just told the story about like it's what you're going through for real, but you still choosing God.

SPEAKER_03 52:44

Because I feel like I was like not knowing what I'm talking about. I do think like sometimes I do think healing, you can tell me you feel the same way, but like I do think healing needs to be a little isolation.

SPEAKER_00 52:52

Yeah, in some seasons, yeah. Some seasons. I think that especially when you're going through a transition in your life from who you were to who you're trying to be, I think you have to be who you are are now long enough to know this is who I am. Yeah, and that's what I needed.

SPEAKER_03 53:08

So like it depends on the part. I think mine was such a big like, wait a minute. Like you, I had to pause. So it depends on what the person, like if it's somebody that's like You don't even know you yet. Yeah, like it was like a let me just figure that out because I'm trying to preach something that I don't even know if I'm really 10 toes in this fruit.

SPEAKER_02 53:22

Right. And that's how I feel. Remember, I told you that we we talk a lot about the ladies that we wanna be instead of where we at. Right. And I feel like I was doing that prematurely because I I ain't even tried this out at home. And I'm telling people we need to work on our language, our communication, you know, we need to. I ain't even worked it out yet. Right. You know what I'm saying? I'm still working out. So I do feel like there's moments where I do gotta pause my transparency, you know, like pause and isolate a little bit and then figure it out.

SPEAKER_03 53:50

Say, like, I haven't did that myself, but I know this is what we need to do. Yeah, add that to the same sentence. Like, yeah, sometimes I'll take my friend advice and I'll be like simultaneously. Yeah, man, girl, you eating me up. I'll be like, you eating me up too. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can give somebody relationship advice all the time. I know, like, I need to take that home. But like, yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, yeah, I think be authentic and like y'all doing a good job being authentic, and y'all very well spoken.

SPEAKER_02 54:11

So, like, thank you, thank you. Thank you. We've been waiting to have you on, baby. I knew this was gonna be a good conversation.

SPEAKER_03 54:16

It's probably before God put it in the perfect timing.

SPEAKER_02 54:20

Cause you know, I've been reaching out, like, let's let's do something, let's do something.

SPEAKER_03 54:22

Yeah, like this, but way better. And then that's my first time like coming back to like anything for real. So, like, I got other people asking me on Ain Shot too, and I was just like, the assignment right now is big for me, right now. Like, I was just like, mm-mm.

SPEAKER_02 54:33

That ain't the one. That ain't the one.

SPEAKER_03 54:35

Yeah, because like I know. So it's cool.

SPEAKER_02 54:40

I'm glad we could be a safe space for you, and I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to use our platform to speak about the things about that.

SPEAKER_00 54:47

Thank you so much, Diane, for coming on our show. We appreciate you so much. We have another podcast, friend. But like this is what we were just talking about earlier. I love that I we started this podcast. This was RT's idea. She hates when I say that, but it was. Um, and I just thank her for that because it has created a community in this that I didn't know I needed.

SPEAKER_01 55:08

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 55:08

With a lot of people like that, I've just meet along the journey. Like, damn, it's more like-minded people.

SPEAKER_02 55:13

Yeah, yeah. Keep the ones you need, leave the ones you don't. All right, y'all. Hope y'all love this episode.