Dating While Healing: Should You Wait Until You're Fully Healed? | Ep. 114

This week on Cup Of Conversation, we're joined by the hosts of the JusUs Podcast for an honest, thought-provoking conversation about healing, relationships, trauma, emotional maturity, and becoming the person you're meant to be while navigating love and life.

Together, we unpack the hard questions:

☕ Can two people heal and grow together?
☕ Is it dangerous to date while you're still healing?
☕ How do trauma and childhood experiences show up in relationships?
☕ Can your partner trigger parts of yourself you didn't know existed?
☕ When does patience become self-abandonment?
☕ Are you growing together or growing apart?
☕ How do empathy and emotional intelligence strengthen relationships?
☕ Can love survive personal transformation and self-discovery?

This episode is packed with real conversations about therapy, self-improvement, communication, emotional healing, dating advice, marriage, and building healthier relationships. Whether you're single, dating, engaged, or married, this discussion will challenge your perspective on what it truly means to heal while loving someone else.

🎙️ Special Guests: The hosts of the JUSUS Podcast, bringing their unique perspectives on growth, relationships, accountability, and healing.

👇 Join the conversation in the comments:
Do you believe people can heal and build a healthy relationship at the same time, or should healing happen before love?

Transcript

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SPEAKER_04 0:06

People say, oh, you know, this person can bring the worst out of you. Well, how do you know the worst exists if it never comes out?

SPEAKER_05 0:13

Your traumas are deep in the trenches. I I'm just kind of mad. My mom ain't talk to me a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Just listen. Women don't listen. You just gotta be more you you wanna you want you talk more than you listen.

SPEAKER_02 0:24

And that's the thing though. I can't wait 10 years for you to unpack all this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that.

SPEAKER_05 0:30

I've seen like before. I'm not saying for sure. I keep a long relationship, bitch. I keep a nook on the side of me. And then I'm always like, oh, that's a good thing. You a wifey type bitch.

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Yeah. Ain't been proposed to yet. And today we got our niggas with us.

SPEAKER_05 0:46

I ain't say it. One and a half.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Hey y'all. Welcome back to another couple conversations.

SPEAKER_05 1:06

Where we have conversations worth having.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

I'm your girl, Coco.

SPEAKER_05 1:08

And I'm your girl T.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

And today we got our niggas woodles.

SPEAKER_05 1:13

I ain't said it.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

One and a half.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Nigga and a half. Nigga the nigga. You're right. You know what I'm saying? That was good. Y'all are in sync. Dennis is thinking the same thing. Like, uh, that was pretty good. You know, we do this. You know, you know that we done been behind them motherfucking three years, just three.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Just three. Nothing. Two three.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Nobody has been that long. Yeah. Yeah. Congratulations.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

We were just talking about, um, we were just talking about how we were just so like ready to get in the field, ready to meet people, and how we came up and got on y'all's show that day. We was not expecting to do that. We thinking like, oh, they they podcasting, they been podcasting, like we just gonna go, and it's about to be we gonna sit in the audience and like y'all was like, Y'all wanna be on the show? We was like, we just was so skidding, like you know, almost kind of like innocent, like you know the time they're the only two people that ever showed. Yeah, and it's looking be like that though.

SPEAKER_02 2:04

Like, I still say to this day, I always tell him that that was a blessing in the skies, but yes, that's still for both of us though, for all four of us. That's still one of our best episodes. People still comment on the video on YouTube.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Oh, they probably talking shit about me.

SPEAKER_02 2:17

I don't know, I don't read them. I don't even go read none of the comments after, but yeah, I see. Now I'm gonna go read them. But even on um all of the social media apps, they all they coming on all the clips.

SPEAKER_05 2:30

That's good. Like you said, I agree. It was a blessing for both of us because we were getting our feet wet in the the podcast game, and y'all kind of like put perspective on okay, this is how you just get up there and do that shit. Like it, we was thinking so much into it, like like it was a movie.

SPEAKER_03 2:46

And we literally was just getting up there.

SPEAKER_04 2:48

And for me, like that episode was so stressful because I'm like, oh, they're sharing the mic. How's this gonna sound? I hated it. You was you was the you was the technical. Man, like how's this gonna sound? I don't know if it's gonna sound good or not. And all of it ended up right. Perfect.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

Just perfectly was even cute too, then you know how you know how you look back at something like, did I do that? No, I still look good when I was back then. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:11

The aesthetic was good, though. Everything went well together. Photography came uh beforehand, didn't it? Because I was wearing that all saints shirt. I don't remember, but I don't remember.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

Probably right before they got there, really. Um that was that was a good time though. It was, it was.

SPEAKER_00 3:25

Well, y'all know we like to start our show off with how you feeling and how you dealing. But I got a little spin to it because this week we're gonna be talking about something a little, not serious, I wouldn't say, but just something like growth-wise. Like um, how can can you love somebody or can you date while you're becoming who you are? Because you know we always hear before you start dating, you need to, you need to do the work. You need to do the, you need to heal first, you need to heal first. But I kind of have a different perspective on it. I don't think that you should isolate yourself totally to be able to date somebody. You don't have to be a perfect person.

SPEAKER_05 3:55

What kind of work we talking about though? Because I think people be using that perspective um when they talk about financial. But keep on going, keep going.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

But anyway, but we can get into it really. But okay, but real quick, but instead of how you feel, how you doing, how you fit dealing, um what kind of man or woman are you trying to become currently?

SPEAKER_02 4:15

Right now, yeah. I'm trying to be as transparent and as honest with everybody I interact with or come into contact with currently.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

I don't want the burden of nobody feeling like oh, he bullshit, he's some bullshit. As soon as they meet me, like I want to be, I want to come off genuine in whatever it is. Whether I'm telling you about yourself, I want you to know that this is from a place of love, honesty, and respect. Or if I'm coming to you and I want to build something with you, I want you to know this is for real, this is serious. I'm coming with love, honest, and respect.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

Right.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

And that's just kind of the place. I'm real calm these days. I don't want to know a whole bunch of rah-rah. I don't know if it's age, I don't know if it's just me going through a bunch of stuff that I've gone through. I don't know if it's loss, I don't know if it's grief. I just want to be cool. Like, let's just be cool. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:09

I like that.

SPEAKER_00 5:10

What would you say, Dan?

SPEAKER_04 5:11

I'd say I want to be a forward-moving man. Right? Meaning, like, I'm tired of being stagnant. I'm tired of looking back and seeing what has been and what could have been, and so on, and so on. Nah, man. Everything I'm doing these days is meant to move forward, keep pushing through things, continue to touch, you know, other people's lives in positive manners. And uh and just yeah, just keep moving forward, man. I'm I'm I'm getting tired of holding weight. Yeah, right. That doesn't need to be there.

SPEAKER_05 5:47

Yeah, I didn't I didn't been there before, too, when I realized that. I think the type of woman I'm trying to be in this season is just um a woman who sticks to their morals and their word, like not being wavered by this, that, and the third, like circumstances change, changing how I think about things or my perspective on things, just knowing that this is just part of the journey. If it's a hiccup, it's a up, it's a down, you still gotta go through it. Yeah. Because I was thinking the other day, like, what would life be with no mistakes? Like, with no, like if you did everything right.

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Horrible. That's good.

SPEAKER_05 6:18

I'd be a terrible bitch. Like I'm talking about a person, a terrible person. Like, because I would never know that nothing I was doing was wrong. You know what I'm saying? So I need them, I need them little corrections. I need them little You need to bump your head. Yeah, I need to hit my head. Like I said last episode, I need God to knock on that bitch to see somebody still in there. Yeah. Hello. Is you on? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:40

Well, for me, I think um I'm I'm becoming a um a woman that is more empathetic to others. Um, I feel like I um You needed that. Yes. I feel like I I've been that my head has been down as it relates to me a lot, like just focused on being a better person, getting accomplishing my goals, um, all of the things. And um I realized through therapy that I had never been empathetic towards my husband in his situation. And I and and um and I was like, dang, really under it having that new perspective from him, from my therapist, when I say him, um, it really made me think like, damn, you've been a cold bitch, you've been a cold bitch for a long time.

SPEAKER_05 7:18

Yeah, and I don't say that you needed that in like a bad way, because that might have sounded shady. No, but no, like you could call Coco crying and I'm not bullshit. She's gonna be like, damn, well, what you gonna do now? Yeah, like what you like, she's gonna hit you with a slight damn. Where does that come from?

SPEAKER_00 7:34

Um, I'm just very solution-based. Like, I don't wanna, I don't have time to I love that, Coco. Be I'm with you. Yeah, I I'm just I'm just that's just I don't know. I've always been like that. I don't know if it's because I'm the only and my mama here, she might be can tell y'all, but I've always been like that. I've always been like, I'm the oldest child. I I I try to make up for anybody else's wrongdoing. My brother, he might have not been the best child. So I want to make up for that. I don't want it to look bad on my mama. I don't, you know, all of those things that you hold inside of you, and it just made me be a person like it ain't no time for no excuses. Okay, you you can have the excuse, but it's not gonna move you forward. So why are we still talking about the excuse? So I just that's just how I always been. And I always looked at me as you just saying that shit because you want me to feel the side type way. I don't feel the side type of way about none of this shit you're telling me. I don't care. Like, and that's not right because we all have uh thing.

SPEAKER_04 8:26

I I think basically you're at a point where you're not looking at it as an excuse more than you're looking at it as a perspective. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

And and that's and that's where I want to be, and that's who I want to be become. I want to have um empathy for people. You don't have to have sympathy for them, but you do have to have empathy for even if you haven't experienced it.

SPEAKER_05 8:43

It helps with the context.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

Yeah, it really does. So that's what I'm trying to be now, lately. I'm trying to get into my softer, womanly I don't want to say soft life or nothing like that, because I'm just trying to be softer.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

I will say though, don't go too crazy, especially in the times that we're in now, and we don't gotta get into all of that, but keep that part about you, keep it alive. Don't don't go stray away from it, don't yeah, because more than ever, men and women, especially us, black men and black women, not them Mexicans who voted for that motherfucker. Um every chance I get, I'm on his ass. No, but but us more than ever, because it's a clear cut case that they're trying to divide us. Yeah. So continue to to to instill in these black men, these black boys, these black women, these black girls that you gotta go out here and take this shit.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:33

You cannot stay stagnant, you cannot stay still. Cry right now, go out there and get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep going. So don't lose that part. I like that though, Carco. That was good.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Thank you, thank you. So would the this is my last how you feeling, how you doing? Would the man or the woman you are becoming choose the person that you're entertaining right now?

SPEAKER_02 9:53

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Yeah, yes, yeah, for y'all.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

For sure. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I think so. I think so too.

SPEAKER_04 10:01

That's a simple answer, too. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Okay, I like that. All right. So, with that being said, okay. So we can grow money always.

SPEAKER_05 10:10

I do I don't like to do my boyfriend like that, but he's the promiscuous one of our friends over here. Yeah, we stay in some relationships over here this week. We throw in some relationships.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Throw that shit up in the air, and it might stay up there, it might come down. You the type though, fags. Like we never know. That's see, that's the thing, we never know. Like that. Yeah. But I like that because that's how I think you should be as a single unmarried person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never a nothing until it is.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

Yep, yeah. You know, he ain't married though.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

Oh, now if you married now, I gotta I look you you acting real hard attacking. If he married, if he is married, I'ma say this. If you is married, I'm gonna have something to say to you because you you you moving unattached. And I don't like that for married.

SPEAKER_04 10:57

But how do you know that his his partner doesn't like there's nothing?

SPEAKER_00 11:01

It ain't about nothing about the partner.

SPEAKER_04 11:02

You can move attached without no no.

SPEAKER_02 11:06

We ain't gonna be able to do that. That's a good question. That's a good concept.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Everybody's situations are different. Everybody's situation is different, but I need you to have a hint, a stench of the woman like a brother. It's a woman around you.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

We're gonna make sure we understand.

SPEAKER_03 11:26

Just throwing it up and out trying to see if it sticks. Not at all, no. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Okay, so do so the core of this this episode. Thank you, girl. You're welcome. I got my notes on my motherfucking phone.

SPEAKER_05 11:37

Yeah, but you you can.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

But the core of this conversation is really can you grow into yourself, build a healthy relationship um with somebody, dating, marrying, whatever, um, and heal at the same time. Like, can that the two can those two things coexist?

SPEAKER_02 11:55

That's that's let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_05 11:57

I personally think you can um from a woman's perspective, just because if you are growing and healing yourself and you notice, I'm not gonna say all women, I'm just gonna speak for myself. If I notice that the person that I'm with is still on the same child of shit, because we might have came up in this on the same child of shit. We might have trauma bonded on some bullshit that, but if we get to a certain stage in our relationship and both in our lives individually, and I see I'm like going here and we tethered together and I feel like I'm dragging you, I feel like I'll I'll let it go before I allow you to pull me back down. Like, so I feel like women, not all women, but a lot of women have that to them where they they'll they're growing and they're healing. But if if, and not saying we gotta do it at the same pace either, but if their partner is too far, like if the gap is too big, we we can't, we we're gonna start entertaining something else, something that's more more a little emotionally aware or something.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

I I honestly feel like it's it's dangerous, like it's not safe to do that because then you start being attached to what the reality isn't, if that makes sense. So while you're healing, a lot of things will reveal itself to you, whether it be good, whether it be bad, whether it be something that you didn't even know that was there. So in all of that, you may find out something about the person that you're dealing with and healing with that is not conducive to your growth or what you really want. Like that that could be way more harmful than I'm not saying that it can't you can't do it. I just think that it's it's dangerous, it's harmful. I don't think that two people that are trying to heal, trying to find themselves, trying to figure this thing out, I don't think they need to be doing that together because it's just dangerous to me.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

You think that it could possibly lead to them not wanting to be together later?

SPEAKER_02 13:56

Of course.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

But what is that not okay to say, hey, you know, in a hill, like now that we both are healthy, we're not we're not aligned.

SPEAKER_02 14:03

Yeah, but a lot of times when you when you go down that journey for real, because a lot of people sit down and they just talk about it. They just say these words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they heard these words, they don't really read up on it and really know. At the end of these journeys, people find out some of a lot of the stuff that that people find out they will not tell because it's just that dark and sinner. Yeah, yeah. Like it really be a lot of stuff at the end of these. And you don't want to be at the end of that role with these people, and you find out that what I I'm trying to keep from saying it. Uh uh. No, I don't want to say certain stuff. I'm trying to keep because it's too, I'm learning new things. But it's really, really tough to figure find out things at the end of the road with people and you look back and you like, damn, I done spent this long with this person, and this is how you really were. Or this is what you've really grown to, this is what you've really come to.

SPEAKER_05 14:52

And I don't think you wanna I think what's more scary is their mindset. Like everything changes. Your mindset, it's like, damn, I didn't realize you was you had thought people about people like this this whole time. It's kind of scary to think though.

SPEAKER_04 15:05

I I think for me it depends on how that person is processing through their healing, right? So if I'm somebody that I'm so fucked up, excuse my language, but I'm so fucked up that um I I'm starting from scratch. It's different from than somebody who's kind of gone through different stages and is at a higher level of healing. I feel like throughout life, we're always gonna be in a healing stage of some sort. Or some some some form of evolving uh into the next stage, right? But but yeah, I mean, I think that sometimes it it can be it can be helpful just as much as it can be harmful in in having a partner during all of this, right? Because you can also understand like there's certain situations that will never arise when you're trying to heal on your own that your partner brings to the table. You might not know that, oh, you know, you over there scratching your left ass cheek at three o'clock in the afternoon really bothers me. I didn't know that that bothered me until this moment that it actually happened, right? So you kind of need those moments to to also understand what is still, what is there that you don't, that you're not even aware of, right? Um and a partner also, you know, people say, oh, you know, this person can bring the worst out of you. Well, how do you know the worst exists if it never comes out? Right. Right? Or you you don't have a hint of seeing that worst version of yourself because you've never experienced it. Right, right. And that person, you know, to your point of empathy, right? Is like you have to learn to appreciate all the things that you wish never have happened, right? That person sparked that one thing that you wish never happened, but at the same time, you take it as a life lesson. Now moving forward, I know that this is what you said is exactly what I meant, though.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

Because if you sparked the most sinister thing that I didn't even know existed inside of me, you're forever the person that sparked that. You're forever the person I'm looking at that said, I had no idea I was this kind of person, and that person was the person.

SPEAKER_00 17:13

But isn't the bigger issue that that was inside of you than it was that they brought it out?

SPEAKER_04 17:17

Of course, because for me it's like it it just so happened that that was the face of the trigger. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But but now you're forever their face. Uh nah. No, because that's still the work to discover. Exactly.

SPEAKER_05 17:29

You do the practicing, but that's part of the test. Like that's you, you don't have nobody to do the real life test on.

SPEAKER_00 17:35

So I think that for when we talk about healing, I think like Dennis said, it's not, it's an ongoing thing. And I feel like for me, more therapy has been, it's not this new profound, like, oh, I'm a new person. It's literally just a new perspective on how to think about something and how to work through something. And so for me, I I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing. I think that it can be bad. I'm I'm I'm on the fence with both. Like I feel like you can do it, but I feel like there is level, there, there are levels to it. Um, but I think that a person in a relationship and you're healing, and that person is also healing, I feel like that is that is a way to practice. There's no way to, you're never gonna know if what you're healing from is even working if you don't have a personality.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

Let me ask one question about what you're talking about though. But practice for what? For you each other or for what's to come.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

Practice to know if you're gonna use this new perspective.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

Right.

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Because most of the time healing is I have a maladaptive way of thinking about something. And somebody has opened my eye, my mind to the fact that no, the trauma that you deal with, you shouldn't handle it like this. You should handle it like this because of this. It's a new perspective on how to think about your trauma or your things that you're healing from. So if I know that for me, for an example, when I talked about being more empathetic with my husband, we're arguing about the same thing in certain sexual situations. But because I don't have this new perspective on how, okay, your husband, you say you, your husband always, you told me your husband always wants you to say it. All he says is, just listen. Women don't listen. You just gotta be more, you you wanna, you want to you talk more than you listen. This is you're you're hearing a boy that grew up in a household full of women that from a single mother that has always wanted to be heard. That gives me empathy, that gives me a new perspective to see my husband because I'm thinking like, oh, you're controlling. I'm looking at you from a lens of the way. You want to be right, you want to be this. Yeah, I'm now I'm looking at like, okay, that's a new perspective. I need to be more empathetic to that. I need to hear that. You know what I'm saying? So it's it it gives me a chance to now when he says that, I can practice from my new perspective on how to talk to him. And now this is not an argument anymore.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

That's good, that's good. But what I think that is, you guys are growing together. You guys have been you guys, that's a long-standing relationship.

SPEAKER_04 19:52

But this is where where I say, like, this is their their version of healing together. Yeah, of course. I get what you mean.

SPEAKER_05 19:59

It's level to it, though. It is, it's levels. But if you're even if y'all are on the same healing and y'all's trauma are just is just too far apart, it can be disregarded.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

Like, we might have discovered something new, trauma healing together. Yeah, yeah. Trauma healing together. Yeah, yeah. I want to put out the conversation. We not trauma bond, but trauma healing. We coined it.

SPEAKER_04 20:18

Yeah, I want to point out the cold use of maladaptive hard.

SPEAKER_03 20:22

You ain't gotta be putting that up. I was like, she be healed, she be healing, let me die.

SPEAKER_05 20:35

But no, I think that what you're what you're like, your fear of it is saying, like, we too far apart. Like you, your traumas are deep in the trenches. I I'm just kind of mad. My mom ain't talked to me a little bit long. You know what I'm saying? You had to go through some shit. Yeah, and like we're we're so it's gonna take you a little longer to to even because you're we not even starting at the same playing field.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

And I'm not even mad at that. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, seriously. I'm not even mad at that. Like, we that's fine, but when you find that, it's like, damn, I really thought this was somebody I could get there with quicker than that, or this is somebody that I can really find that place with. Now, they gotta dig a little bit longer than the thing, though. I shovel like can't wait 10 years for you to unpack all this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:19

This is where I was about to go with is you also have the have to have the patience. And you have to be willing to practice that patience with that person too.

SPEAKER_00 21:26

Or not.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

Yeah, or not. But I was about to say, perfect example, coconut husband, they've been together. Now you're talking about we asked at the beginning, entertaining people, new people intertwine. Now it's like, hold on, I just missed you. This is a whole yeah, yeah. There's a whole lot.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

And that's where you make that decision.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

That's where you gotta make the decision.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_05 21:43

Yeah, because once you get in it, I feel like if you've been in it and you you start feeling some compassion for this person and you see, like, okay, I know I can probably put up with some of this, but I have a I have a limit, I have a certain extent to where I'm gonna go. But I know it is finna be a dig because. I can see I can see the trauma in them.

SPEAKER_04 22:01

I just eat me hunker down. Yeah, yeah. Be ready for it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

And then goes to my next question. Have you ever confused patience with self-abandonment? He just talked about you have to have patience. But when does patience?

SPEAKER_05 22:12

I have. I know I have. Yeah. I keep a long relationship, bitch. I keep a knuckle on the side of me. And then I always like, oh, that's a good thing. You a wifey type bitch.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:21

Ain't been proposed to yet. It's saying that.

SPEAKER_02 22:25

Okay, okay, what? Because I want to make sure I answer what you're asking correctly.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

When you say self-abandon, too, as to what though.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Um, just when I say self-abandon, so like he spoke about you have to be able to be patient with somebody that has has a lot going on, like a lot of healing to do. Well, when does that become I'm abandoning what I really want and what I really need from my life to put that on hold, to sit and wait and be patient for you.

SPEAKER_02 22:52

That's so good. And I got a long answer to that, but in a short version, I'm gonna say this I cause so much trauma and stress on a person to the point where I still wanted to be with that person, but having to sit there and let them unpack everything that I've put them through was kind of like, oh, I did all of this and now I gotta rewind it. Yeah, and let you unpack and be patient enough. That's so, but that's that you're not the only man that thinks like that. Cause I've seen like before.

SPEAKER_04 23:25

I'm not saying for sure, but I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna break down what you say in something totally different, right? You just took the worst shit of your life, and now you're mad that you gotta wipe your ass. Yeah, that shit burned. It's crazy to think of it. Like it's raw, but it's the truth.

SPEAKER_05 23:40

You gotta keep on wiping till ain't nothing left, though.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

Yeah, you gotta look at the paper, gotta get them baby wipes and cool it off.

SPEAKER_04 23:46

They flush the toilet paper.

SPEAKER_02 23:48

Yeah, that's good though. That is a great way to look at that, Coco. And that just brought me to that kind of mindset. Like, bro.

SPEAKER_05 23:54

But a lot of men, I feel like a lot of men feel like that. Yeah. Um, I watch, I tell Coco all the time, I watch this show called The Caramo Show. It's like the New Age Mari. Yeah. And it's a black man on there. And like it's a lot of men who will admittedly say, I did cheat, I did cause her this pain, but she keeps on talking about it and blah, blah, blah. Like, to actively sit there and work with somebody through the shit that you say you cause, you can't, you can't. You gotta be. It's a consequence to that.

SPEAKER_02 24:21

It's consequences, but you gotta take your lashes. I don't know, it's mental health. Don't mean to talk about no slavery shit. But you gotta take your lashes because once you decide, okay, I still wanna be with this person, I still want to try with this person, I want to move forward and do it right this time, then you have to in that moment allow them whatever time, whatever space, whatever healing that they need to heal from the things that you cause. But and as a man, that shit can be so tough because our ego and our pride is something. I bet. And when I know women ain't gonna let it go.

SPEAKER_05 24:53

They never I'm talking about dragging it down.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

And to be honest, that is a part of women that we need to talk about because once, to be honest, once you make up your mind and you say that I'm willing to take you back, you have to kind of let it go.

SPEAKER_05 25:09

Yeah, what the Lord say you got 90 days. Is it 60 or 90 days? What? Do what the Lord says, you got 90 days to grieve.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

90 days? I ain't never heard him say that one.

SPEAKER_05 25:18

60. I read this the other day. It was like six, I forgot what it, but you got like a certain amount of time to grieve. Like you gotta, because you have to pick up the pieces and get back to it.

SPEAKER_00 25:27

And you gotta pick up the pieces and not blame.

SPEAKER_05 25:30

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Yeah, you gotta do that, and you can't let every instance instance turn into well, you said it, you did do it.

SPEAKER_04 25:37

So this this is where I'll go with it. With with patience versus self-abandonment, it all depends on where what your level of understanding is of yourself. You have to put that shadow work in to understand what where the threshold is of all right, this is where I just can't do it no more. Yeah, yeah. And if you can understand that, then you should never get to the point of self-abandonment.

SPEAKER_02 25:58

You know why that's good? Because a lot of people don't realize in that moment that that's exactly what needs to happen simply because they don't want to lose what they've always had. They just jumping in, like, no, no, no, no, no, baby, don't leave, don't leave, don't leave. Yeah, okay, I'm gonna do right. Let's let's get this dude right now. You know what's you don't know what it takes. Yeah.