You’re Not Unlucky In Love… You’re Repeating Toxic Dating Patterns | Ep. 110

Welcome back to Episode 110 of Cup Of Conversation Podcast! ☕🎙️

This week, Coco and Tee get REAL about dating patterns, relationship trauma, emotional maturity, accountability, and how women can stop choosing the same man in a different form. From low value men vs high value men, to healing childhood wounds, therapy culture, boundaries, standards, red flags, emotional intelligence, and healthy communication — this conversation goes deep.

We’re unpacking:
✨ Why some women keep attracting the same toxic relationship patterns
✨ How trauma and upbringing affect the men we choose
✨ The difference between standards vs preferences in dating
✨ What emotionally mature men actually look like in action
✨ How to hold men accountable WITHOUT trying to control them
✨ Why “potential” keeps women stuck in unhealthy relationships
✨ Signs of emotional immaturity, manipulation, and deflection
✨ How women can self-reflect after toxic relationships
✨ Why accountability matters for BOTH men and women

This episode is for women trying to heal, date intentionally, break toxic cycles, and build healthier relationships. We also discuss Black love, therapy in the Black community, emotional healing, soft life conversations, modern dating culture, and what true leadership and consideration look like in relationships.

💬 Some of us are not unlucky in love — we’re loyal to unhealthy patterns.
💬 “Sometimes accountability is not begging a man to act right. It’s giving truth, watching patterns, and adjusting.”
💬 “You can’t keep dating the same person in a different form.”

If you’ve ever ignored red flags, stayed too long, believed in potential, or struggled with boundaries and self-worth in relationships, this episode is for you.

👇 Join the conversation in the comments:
What’s one dating pattern you had to break?
What’s a red flag women excuse too quickly?
What does a high value emotionally mature man look like to YOU?

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#DatingAdvice #RelationshipAdvice #BlackLove #ModernDating #WomenAndRelationships #EmotionalIntelligence #HighValueMan #DatingPatterns #ToxicRelationships #RelationshipPodcast #BlackWomen #SelfWorth #HealingJourney #Accountability #SoftLife #TherapyTalk #HealthyRelationships #DatingStandards #RedFlags #CupOfConversationPodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:14

What's up, y'all? Welcome back to another cup of conversations. Where we have conversations worth having. I'm your girl, Coco. And I'm your girl T. And today we are episode 1T. Yes, yes, yes. So, yes, this episode is gonna be an deep talk into how to refrain from choosing low-value men and how to also hold men accountable in a healthy way as a woman.

SPEAKER_00 0:46

Okay, so this is like our side of the last episode.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

Like our because we still ain't got no answers from y'all niggas. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 0:54

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 0:55

All we got is what the woman gonna do, what the woman gonna do, what's a woman gonna do, what you need to do. The flag, the flick, the flag.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

Yeah, so some of us are not lucky in love. Let's just be honest about it. Regardless of what men do, we just not always lucky in love. And some of us are loyal to certain patterns that we you know, and I feel like once we can identify that and realize that it'll be easier to not even come across those men that we have to hold accountable in every aspect of life almost. Um, especially on those less complex things that you think are a given, like your character, that you would think that would be something that's just one of them things that's you either got it or you don't. All right.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

So, in other words, the pool will be a little bigger of quality. Yeah, it won't be so pissy, like y'all say.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

You know, it's so pissy. But um, just talking about how to break the patterns of how to choose a man, you know what I'm saying? So, how how are you picking the the men that you are picking? And I wanted to identify some of the things that come into play whenever we're picking those things.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Well, come on, therapise me.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

Okay, so some um sometimes we have patterns of men we choose not out of um our own trauma and our own like wounds and you know self-worth, the the way we view ourselves as women. Um, so what are some things that you think that I know I may I pick this man because I am in fill in the blank?

SPEAKER_00 2:21

Ooh. I know I picked this man because I am um not having that male figure uh present, you know what I'm saying? Not not necessarily daddy issues because I had males that were present that stepped up and didn't done fatherly roles, but um more so just not having that knowing what love and knowing how to actually pick a man and letting a man tell you how other men think. I didn't have that. Like, you know how you say your daddy tell me tell you certain things about game and just knowing how other men think. Right. From a man's perspective perspective. Because women really think they know, but they don't. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Um, I would say I picked this man, and I'm um speaking specifically, I'll speak real personal to me. Um I know that when I pick my husband because my dad, and I'm saying this in a good and how it has shown up good and bad, I picked my husband because I was familiar with me and being provider, not only as a as a from my dad, but from like the things that my mama told me. If your man, if he can't give you this, it ain't no sense of giving him your cookie if you can't give you, if he can't give you, if he can't give you. And I picked a man solely based on his provision as far as being a provider, but didn't think about the other boxes like being emotionally intelligent, um, being able to regulate your emotions. So I feel like um I haven't had I know T say I ain't lived my life, but I haven't really had very negative like relationship issues, even like with my past. But um I have been able to identify to see how if I wasn't the person that I am, I think that it could have fostered into something very bad. Like if I would have ignored signs, but I think that's another one of the things that I think as women we gotta stop doing is ignoring the signs of somebody might not be the healthiest form person for you.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Are some women actually ignoring them or their parents not showing these signs to them? Like you said, your mama said certain things to you. So, because I tell I say this all the time I didn't have an um emotional growing up, like my friends were the ones that I talked to about my emotions, or we figured things out together. That wasn't going on in my house. So my friends was the ones telling me, girl, we need to have men that, or we need to try, you know, we need to talk to dudes that'll do blah blah blah blah blah for us and all this other. So a lot of I can even vouch for speaking for myself and people I know, that a lot of the signs ain't that obvious to everybody.

SPEAKER_03 5:05

Well, when I say ignoring the signs, I mean as far as when you go into one relationship, you might not know. When you go into two relationships, you may not know. But by the time you get to that third, that fourth, and that fifth relationship, there should be things that like you like we always say, it's not um it's not your responsibility to what happened to you when you were a child, but it's your responsibility to fix it. So it's one of them things like once you realize, okay, I realize that I'm picking men, and I put myself in a situation, I'm picking men that are providers, but I'm not being able to identify when a man is emotional capable, emotionally capable of loving me the the way I need to be loved. And then, okay, what does that mean then? If I'm if I'm realizing that I'm only picking men that are providers, what does that mean about me that I'm missing that emotional component? And then going from there and figuring that part out before I get back into another relationship.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Right.

SPEAKER_03 5:58

Um, so not so much that you, you know, you taught it, but we gotta teach ourselves. It's on the job training almost.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

I I think a lot of people, and I'm not even just taking up for them or trying to give them scapegoats, but a lot of people know their habits, and like you said, they that um kind of like Kira was saying on, I don't know if you watched that Breakfast Club interview with Kier, the one you um said you follow on Instagram, he was saying, like, we know a lot of therapy talk, and it's a lot of people that are knowledgeable about what's going on with them, but nobody has that second half of it, the solution. You know, no a lot, I mean, not nobody, but a lot of people in their self. In their self, yeah. They know the knowledge, you know um that you are being triggered by certain things, you know that this trauma is brink coming up in this way in your relationship or your day-to-day life today, but you don't you don't do the second half of it. Right. Because if you're going to look for a therapist, truth be told, that's kind of a tough thing to do, not just off of the fact that you got to think about money insurance, all that, but the fact that you got to think about you have to talk to multiple people till you get to the right one. That's exhausting in itself.

SPEAKER_03 7:07

That is exhausting. And I'll give y'all a little tip. Chat GPT. I'm not saying go to chat for everything.

SPEAKER_00 7:14

We don't know that they have to pick a specific type of therapist that goes to what they look for. Like, it's a whole lot into it that especially black people are not taught since the fact that we just now learning to go to therapy and it's like system overload. Like, we know all this information. I'm learning a lot right now, but it's all coming so fast that I'd rather just ignore it instead of trying to go through all of it all at once.

SPEAKER_03 7:37

And that's one of the things that um that I had wrote down. A lot of times we are more uh what keeps us in those patterns, that those negative patterns is that we're we we feel better to be familiar with something than to be outside of what we're comfortable with. And that and I mean I wish I had a better answer, but really that goes that boils down to the fact that either you want it or you don't.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Either you want something healthy or you just rather stay in what you are familiar with and you get what you're familiar with. And it's nine times out of ten, probably negative, because you know, you might be if I I think about it like this. Sometimes people are, some people might deem like somebody boring or quiet or not as chaotic as boring. And whole time, like look what you're asking for. You know what I'm saying? On the other hand, like you get what I'm saying, this person, you might be deeming him as normalized. What right? What you have normally, you've normalized chaos to the point to where when you get somebody that's calm and reserved, you're looking at him like, oh, he's boring.

SPEAKER_00 8:39

Yeah. But it's why black people, we uh talk about like the other half of black people that's the not ghetto ones as oh, they they act white or they born or they this, they that whole time, they just a little more emotionally mature.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

They ain't crashing out when they get made. Right, right. So they're making sound decisions, better decisions than I mean, we ain't saying they don't get fucked up and go do croak coke and shit. They probably do worse drugs than we do. But you know, they they trying to make a little bit of better decisions because they probably would grow up grew up in the house. Remember that one time we were talking about how um finances and whatever class you in kind of allots you the time to go do these things like therapy. So the the better off you are financially, you have time to bring your kids to see therapies. It's like them kids that's that's seen therapists at 8, 10, 11, and 12. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 9:31

So and I think as far as like your past trauma or past experience and stuff like that, we have to get out of the space as women also for removing what society has told us about what things mean. Yeah, if a man is hard, that's good. Yeah, whole time. This man is not an emotion, emotional bone in his body, right? And you don't realize until you're deep off in a relationship, like this is what I really need. I really need to feel safe. I really need to, and not physically safe if somebody comes up fighting you, because nine times out of ten, how many times in a relationship has somebody threatened you? Exactly. And exactly you even needed that type of protection.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Exactly. So it's just unless y'all know some raw, raw shit. Yeah, unless that's how y'all get down.

SPEAKER_03 10:14

Exactly. And so I think that we just have to remove what society has told us about men, even down to us saying like men don't cry, being being comfortable with a man coming to you and crying and not getting on the phone with your homegirl, like, girl, this nigga is so soft, this nigga. Like, you have to be able to recognize it, like, I'm a woman, this is a man. We pass believing. We're human, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 10:36

So it's just but it's awkward to think like that.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

But even like men, like we we think that, oh, you have a lot of male friends, oh, you a hoe, or you promiscuous, you know what I'm saying? It's like things that society has taught us that don't even ring truth really in real life, like when you in a grand scheme of things, it don't mean anything, yeah, or it doesn't, it's not a healthy way of even thinking about somebody, right? Especially somebody that you want to be in a relationship with. But um, I have another um thing that I feel like women do in relationships, and it's looking into the potential of men. Okay. And I feel like that's another negative um, what would I say? A negative pattern, I guess. And uh let me let me just pick, let me just pick him because he could be a good father. He could be, and we think we can kind of easy bake oven a nigga.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Because it goes back to the dating pool that that we're offered all together. Like we have this small, very handful of people, men who actually do the right thing, like the focus on themselves, like trying to get their career all that in order, and then find love. And then, but then you have uh uh this we got this small like river, and then you have this big ocean over here of people who dating at 14 and and you know just trying to get a quick nut. They watch porn and you know they didn't, they this is what they think love is. This is what they think that two two women and women supposed to do, like you know, because what do we know? We know uh not our mamas and daddies showing up affection and nothing. We should we know uh BT Uncut, we know the music videos, we know, you know what I'm saying? We know what we see every day. We don't know therapy and communicating language and actually valuing women. Oh, being nice to women. That's a shocker. Like that that's not anything that you know is taught to young boys in a black community a lot of times. So, I mean, I ain't gonna say I don't blame them, but it's like that unlearning. Like I was just telling you, like, my mom didn't, nobody told me to uh make sure you picking this kind of guy and this kind of guy. And so they mama's probably telling you, just make sure don't no woman um use you up. Don't don't be no no um, don't let no woman gold dig you, use all you got. Whole time you ain't even taught them how to get nothing. Right. What are we talking about? Then you ain't got no gold. Then you told them how to get no gold.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

You ain't told them how to get nothing.

SPEAKER_03 13:10

No, it is true. And and sometimes I think too, just as women though, we I know for instance, I was thinking about somebody that I know, and sometimes she over-spiritualizes things. And you know, she instead of looking at things as no, he's really not that person for you. And um, she'll try to say stuff like, you know, you have to be patient with people, you have to give people grace, or you have to, you know, God said just time, and you know, everything don't come. And sometimes all of that thing, all of those things can be true, but we gotta call a spade a spade. Yeah. And and and this is another thing, real quick, what what it um what qualifies somebody to be a low value man in your in your book?

SPEAKER_00 13:53

A low value man? Oh, somebody who's not self-aware of the things that they do. Um, somebody who is not actively working on themselves in some kind of way. It don't have to be you going to a therapist. You could be working on yourself. Yeah, the gym might be your mentor. You could be going to church, that might be helping your mentor. You might be slowing down on different um things that you do or eat or consume, things that you watch that helps your mentor. So, whatever you're doing on your journey, as long as you are journeying and you're not hoping that your same high school ways are paying off and and they're gonna work on the next woman, as long as you're evolving from each relationship and each situation ship and each friendship and learning something, I feel like you got a little value to you.

SPEAKER_03 14:45

Yeah, I think um whenever you think about a low value man, it's not a perfect man. I don't think that's what it is. I think it's somebody that comes with the basics, though. I think the person that comes with uh You mean a high value man. Yeah, a high value man. A low value man is somebody that doesn't come with the basics. Yeah, you know, um, you don't have the character, you don't have the emotional intelligence. Um, you don't have, and and I, and I want to make sure we're not saying like broke, but you don't have the drive or the ambition to even get to where you where you're going.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

You know, you want me to hop in this car, passenger seat, but we gotta, you gotta be a good driver.

SPEAKER_03 15:22

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

You know, this can't be your first time pulling off the lot.

SPEAKER_03 15:25

Exactly. And more than anything, just having those true leadership qualities. Yeah. I um was recently talking to a man about what is leadership, and they um I said I gave them a option. And I said, What is leadership to you? I said, Is it responsibility or fairness? And um immediately he was like, Responsibility. Okay, and I said, Oh, okay. I said, So why are you telling me about somebody else is doing the same thing that they're telling you that you're doing?

SPEAKER_00 15:57

If you're the leader, I said And responsibility is responsibility regardless, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

And I gave the analogy and I was like, Okay, this person is telling you, um, say for instance, you're a leader, a king of a village, and this village comes to you and says something like um excuse me, um, the village, the well has ran dry. Yeah. Um, and then you tell them, Well, a dry the well was the the well ran dry two weeks ago. What does that have to do with a water today? Right. You get what I'm saying? Like what about the well over there? Uh yeah, well dry so you know, so the the fairness and like, oh, if you can do it, I can do it, that puts you equal to a woman, whoever you are supposed to be leading, that puts you equal to them at that point. So, how are you separating yourselves to being this leader that you are claiming to be if you're equal to the very person that's supposed to be following you?

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Right.

SPEAKER_03 16:58

And if if you don't provide solution, if you don't give, um take responsibility for things, then that doesn't make you a leader. That just makes you another person in our that's the main thing I was just like stressed last episode.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Like it doesn't matter what the woman does, like all that, oh, but women made this is a reactive, this is a this, this is a that. But we responsible for our actions too. Just like y'all are responsible for your actions. We got a role, we have a purpose, we have a responsibility, just like y'all do. And if we're not taking this serious or not doing what we supposed to do, y'all have the right to tell us about that too. Right. But as long as we're talking about y'all, it's not a but you did this, it's not a but you did that. You don't, that's not how you when somebody comes to you with a problem, and I hate when people do this. If somebody, if I come to you with a problem, don't say, oh, well, I did that because last the other week you did this and I didn't say nothing to you, so I did it. No, that was your fault for not saying something. Right, right. Hey, I didn't tell you not to say nothing. I didn't know I did it. Right. You know, that was your your own.

SPEAKER_03 17:59

That was your hey, I you talking to me, uh, are you doing something different? Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

It ain't even have to be at the moment. If you needed to let it process, but you let all this time pass by until I did something for you to get it back, that's that's tit for tat. That's not being a responsible friend, that's not being a responsible partner, that's not being responsible for your your somebody you care about feelings.

SPEAKER_03 18:21

Right. Um, another thing that a lot of time we talk about in the space of how to find a man, when to get a man, and all the things is standards, having a certain amount of standards. And standards, um, I believe uh they have to be attached to some type of consequences. Yeah. And so when I think this is, and this is another thing that may help break some of those patterns. When you create standards that are attached to not just standards, but just attached to some type of consequences. What's gonna happen? Okay, when you don't get the consistency, when you don't get the honesty, the respect, the communication, the emotional intelligence, when you don't get all of those things, what's gonna happen after that?

SPEAKER_00 18:59

And you have to you have to make a decision, a boundary. You know what I'm saying? I watch this little show all the time. It's called the Coromo show, something like a new age mor with a black gay man, that kind of thing. And he says that all the time. Like he asks the people as he's going on it. Like, so if we find something on your man or we find out that X, Y, and Z, what are you gonna do afterwards? You know what I'm saying? You you now you have the information. Just like the the execution part of it. Like, what are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_03 19:27

Yeah. Uh, what do you think the difference is between a standard and a preference?

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Um, a standard shouldn't be budging. You shouldn't budge your standard more. Preferences can be changed um throughout life. It's just what you do or don't like. I like uh you some days, and some days I don't have. Like we just, you know what I'm saying? Like it's a preference. I prefer to like you today.

SPEAKER_03 19:54

Yeah. Uh yeah, I would agree. I think preferences are uh nice to have, they're things that are nice to have, and then standards are those things that are non-negotiable. Right. Um, they should like boundaries.

SPEAKER_00 20:05

They're closer to how you feel life should be as a person, like what you believe in. So yeah, I think that's more closer to what standards is. It's closer to a boundary.

SPEAKER_03 20:16

Yeah. I would say that um breaking these patterns, you gotta kind of like do a self-audit of yourself. Oh, of course. You know, um, figure out what what did I um what did I ignore? When you get out of these relationships and you realize that this person wasn't the person for you and you see that this stuff is happening over again, it's like a set of questions that you know you should be able to have. So, what are some self-reflection questions women should uh ask themselves after leaving unhealthy relationships?

SPEAKER_00 20:46

Oh, well, um, what role did I play in making this um a toxic environment? Um, what boundaries did I let slide and not speak up on and say I didn't like in the beginning that got us here? What did I keep on sweeping under the rug that that made him think that it was okay to keep on pushing his look um in this manner? I do that a lot. I self-reflect after all my relationships. I kind of do it to a fault to where I'm not actually leaving a little bit of accountability where it needs to be. You know what I mean? But um I have to. I have to. Because a lot of times, um, and depending on what the relationship is, you cut them people off and you never hear from them again. Sometimes you can send them a little long, you know, saying this is how my conclusion of all this was. Right. And they can send an okay back, they could block you, they don't have to say anything, babe. Like, so that whole closure thing, that's more so for you. So I have to look at me. I can't assess what they're doing.

SPEAKER_03 21:49

Right. And I okay, so this is what I want to do for the viewers. So um, I have what is called a relationship pattern artist. So I want you to write down your last three to Five relationships or situationships, whatever y'all like to call them, and identify what attracted me to him or her. Well, for him, because this is for women. This is for the ladies. We talked to y'all niggas, y'all didn't know. So this is for the ladies, okay? Uh what attracted you to him? Um, what red flag showed up early? Things that you noticed, and like T said, you kind of swept under the rug. What did I excuse? What are those red flags and what did I excuse? What did I keep hoping would change? Because a lot of times we hope for certain things that would change and they never do. And that is something that you need to say for my next relationship. I'm not gonna hope that this changes because this is obviously something that I can't go without. Right, right. I'm gonna make sure this at the top of the list. Right. Okay. Sometimes we gotta go through stuff to put stuff on the list.

SPEAKER_00 22:48

And then you gotta assess yourself to make sure your list is right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, right. See what you're checking for, make it making sure it because once you actually like somebody and you wanna say, Oh, well, I guess I can go without that. Is it really in your boundary? Like, do you do you need to are you neglecting yourself to do that? You need to revisit that. Are you putting something up there that you done seen and you taking on from somebody else? Or are you actually feeling like that and neglecting yourself, like you said? Right.

SPEAKER_03 23:16

Um, the last three are what uh what was my role in staying too long? What does what do these men have in common? What do I need to choose differently next time? Those are some pattern audit things that you can kind of ask yourself and answer those questions so you won't fall back into the next time. And if you gotta write these down and take your notepad. Don't worry about it.

SPEAKER_00 23:40

I'll have the link in the description.

SPEAKER_03 23:42

But even I'm just saying, like, if you gotta take these on the next date you go on, just to make sure you're you're not keep not you don't keep repeating these same patterns, like that's even that's important too. You can do that. You can have okay, real quick. The last thing I chose had, okay. Do you have do you have so it'll be fresh on your brain when you get there?

SPEAKER_00 24:03

You know exactly. If you don't think about these things, some of this shit happened two, three, four, five years ago. Exactly. But you get on a date, he gets to show on you this, and you done forgot Earl did that to you six years ago. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? It started off just like that, but you so enlist in the same with the same person in a different font.

SPEAKER_03 24:20

And that's what it be. That's exactly what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Be the same person in a different font. I don't want that for y'all sisters. Please. I don't.

SPEAKER_03 24:27

And real quick, so and once we get into these relationships, once we find this high-value man, um, I want to talk about also how to hold men accountable as women.

SPEAKER_00 24:36

Like how do we keep I thought you were gonna say a little self-check.

SPEAKER_03 24:40

Oh, we could do that, but real quick, let's see how we can make sure we're holding these men accountable to the things that we might have already gave them, the checklist that we gave them already. Okay. Um, or just the the not even a checklist, just the quality of life that you want to live. How we holding these men accountable? Sometimes accountability is not begging a man to act right, it's just giving truth, watching the patterns, and adjusting. And I feel like we do this often, but we don't do that last part, which is adjusting to what we need to do. When they show us the disrespect, when they show us the inconsistencies, we don't adjust. We kind of just sit quietly, wait, whatever we do, right? Right, right. So, what is the difference between holding the man accountable and trying to control him to you? What do you think the difference is in those two are?

SPEAKER_00 25:23

Um, once you set the standard to like the boundary that you have already, like I said, assessed the boundary. You made sure that this is something that you feel like you absolutely need out of a partner you need in life. Okay, then you can put that on the list. You let them know how you feel. Um, I can give you an example of in my personal life. I just not just, but I had um talked to my boyfriend a long a while ago, and we kind of put together uh not an ultimatum, but like a goal. Like, okay, by this time, we want you to have X, Y, and Z done. And then once you see them move on those patterns or not, you just kind of make a mental note. And then once you get to that time, do what you need to do. Either go for it or don't. Um, bring it up again. Tell them, hey, this, I've noticed this. Um, we can do, you know, we can try it again if you feel like it's necessary, but don't keep on trying it if you notice that the pattern is not changing. And then um also to self-check yourself, once he starts doing good, don't try to move the goalpost for him. I noticed I started doing that. Like he started getting towards the thing that I said you have to have. And now I'm like, okay, now let's check off a couple more boxes. But hold on. Don't try to control. That's the way that's fast control. That's why I had to pump my brakes. And I'm like, hold on. He's doing what we we sat down, talked about, agreed on. Like, all right. So you that's why I say kind of check your list and then make sure you just setting your boundary and being stern on it. Right.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

And as far as I know, uh it's a it shows up a little different in marriages because sometimes I'll be honest and say, like, some of the things that I should have been looking for prior to getting married, I wasn't, I didn't even know to look for them. Right, right. So once you get into a marriage, sometimes it's not as easy, especially once kids are involved. It's not one of them things where you like, oh, you ain't meeting my standard.

SPEAKER_02 27:18

Right, right.

SPEAKER_03 27:19

Okay, so for me, I'm gonna be honest, it's not for it's it was never that easy for me. Um, but one of the things that my therapist taught me um was it's three things that people normally do whenever they're going through a situation to where they feel like they're not in the best situation that they could be in. Okay, and that's the first one is that they try to change, they do all these controlling things. You gotta change, you gotta they fuss, they fight, you gotta change. They try to change a person, and we all know that we can't change anybody, right? Oh you know, you can't change, yeah, you can't change anyone, and so it's and and it and the thing about trying to change somebody is even if you could change them, it doesn't last long because it's not what they're doing.

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Because they're doing it, they didn't want to be doing it to yes, okay.

SPEAKER_03 28:05

So then we have um once you try to change them, and then the second thing is to leave. Like, bye, you ain't doing what I want, bye. But uh a lot of things, a lot of times what I noticed and what he was telling me that he noticed is the people that leave once they're not getting the their needs met are also unhealed people as well, and they don't recognize that they're so hyper focused on what they're doing, but what everybody else is doing to them. Not even what everybody else is doing, but what they want. They want what they want. I want my man to be this, I want my man to do this, I want my man that they forget that you also have a person over here wanting you to do something too, yeah, you know, and so they try to um they like, oh, I'm gone. But what happens is you run into the same person, these patterns.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

Those are the people who don't do any self-reflection, those are the people who leave the relationship and say it was all them. You know what I'm saying? They didn't do what I wanted them to do.

SPEAKER_03 28:59

Only to find out that it wasn't all them because now you have another them.

SPEAKER_00 29:03

Right. And the last you're a bad listener.

SPEAKER_03 29:06

Yeah. And the last one was um to stay and build yourself up to the best version of yourself, going to therapy, do breaking all of those patterns, those um the things that you have wrong with yourself, and then deciding later. Because it's very, very hard for somebody to do all of the work and for that other person to not jump off on them. You know what I'm saying? In some way or fashion. And if it doesn't, then that's a clear indicator that nigga nothing can.

SPEAKER_00 29:36

That's like that response thing that um with uh what's her name, Mel Robinson, when um that video you sent me, when she was like, if you respond to people who are like dickheads, like, oh, thank you. You know what I mean? Like in or when you're saying it to inside right, they're gonna feel like the ones who are so if you don't catch on to this niceness, you gonna if you don't catch on to this therapy conversation I'm giving, you're gonna feel like the one, or you're gonna look like the one that is the cabin. Yeah, like you the problem, yeah. Yeah. When the arguments start, if I'm talking like, well, I feel like this is this and this, and you talking about, well, last time we talked, you was you gonna look crazy. Yeah. You're gonna look like the one that's the problem. Yes, I understand that.

SPEAKER_03 30:21

I really do. Actually, it's funny that you um I you said that because I had written down like um uh healthy and unhealthy ways to control, like, you know, which one sounds like control and which sounds like accountability. And we have the unhealthy, why you ain't text me back? Who you who were you who were you with? Let me see your phone. You better not have done this again. That's very much unhealthy. Very much unhealthy. If you go into it like that, first of all, you got to consider a man's ego at all times. Unfortunately, but not even unfortunately, because they have to uh consider emotions, yeah, emotions all the time. So you have to consider a man's ego at all times. So when you go in like that, automatically you have to be looking for a negative response from a man because you're not about to control them or make them feel like they be in control, right? Right.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

And or you're not finna bark at nobody and hope they back at you.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Like and to be honest, you don't want no nigga that's gonna cur.

SPEAKER_00 31:13

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

What they call them, the dogs that be uh that go with, yeah. You don't want that. So the healthy thing would be to say is I need constant, I need consistency in communication. If that is not something you're you can offer, you may we may not be aligned.

SPEAKER_00 31:29

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:30

And then you let him say, Well, we are aligned. Hold up, baby. I don't want you to go, baby. I need you.

SPEAKER_00 31:35

I need you to communicate a little better.

SPEAKER_03 31:40

Yeah, so it's a difference from being a controlling ass and uh a lady, being a lady.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

Yeah, I was just finna say that. I was finna say, we gotta get back to being soft and being a lady and just being like, Yeah, baby, I don't want you to do that. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, not nigga, like y'all, y'all ain't gonna get no response like that. Like, who you think finna talk to you like that? Yeah, Sherman? Yeah, you can you can turn into the whole little boy up in here. Like, why was you doing this, man?

SPEAKER_02 32:07

She done went from Cheryl to Sherman. I don't right.

SPEAKER_03 32:11

Okay, and right before we leave, though, I wanted to say uh what's another thing to and uh to hold how another way to hold a man accountable is to uh pay attention to his response to accountability. Okay, um, a lot of men's response to corrections tells you everything you need to know about them, right? Um, a healthy man may not be perfect, but he can listen without being cruel, he can take responsibility without deflecting, saying what well, what you did, what how you played, you you made me do, you know what I'm saying? Apologizing without blaming you for his reaction because everybody is controlled in control of their own response, um, and change the behavior and not just tell you like this speech about how, oh my grandma died. Right, right, right, right, right. Oh, oh, I my boss got on me bad at work, yeah. You know, just without giving you this long, drawn out nothing. Like, and I think the best accountability is change behavior.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 33:07

And if a man is not changing his behavior after telling you that he's sorry for his behavior, that's a clear indicator that this man really probably not wanting to do what.

SPEAKER_00 33:17

Right, right, right. He's saying sorry because he so he can put the little band-aid on it.

SPEAKER_03 33:21

Yeah, and I think he's gonna snatch that motherfucker. Yeah, and I think like people have been saying on Instagram, and not to be an Instagram girly, but the real highest form of love is consideration. To feel to realize how something affects somebody, and then you see the impact that it made, like like my girl really.

SPEAKER_00 33:37

Without them crying, like you know, it don't gotta be nothing that dramatic. Like you need to see their feelings and their emotions when they especially if you this is your person. Like, you need to know that, you need to be aware of that, right?

SPEAKER_03 33:49

To see that and still not make the necessary adjustments, it just really shows you, and um you know, it just tells you a lot about who they are. So um, I think being able to see how he responds to accountability is a big one, a big one. Um, don't if a man calls you um dramatic, red flag. If he makes everything your fault, red flag, bring up unrelated issues when y'all talking about something, nigga. You just find trying to find any way to get out of taking responsibility for what you did. Like, why are you bringing up the dishes like that? Like, be so for real, but yeah, um, and making um empty promises. Anytime a man makes empty promises, a man is supposed to stand on his a person, period. It's supposed to stand on your word, hold your word. What what do the men call it, uh, Kari? When um what is it? Standing on your word? No, what is it? What do people be saying? Be a man of your word. I couldn't think of that. I don't know why. But being a man of your word, like that's not a saying for nothing. Like, right, right. Hold true to what you said, like you know. So um, I just think those are some ways to identify men that are willing to take accountability versus that are not. And a lot of times the men that are not are long, low-hanging fruit.

SPEAKER_02 35:07

So yes, yes. And y'all need to stay away from them. Please.

SPEAKER_00 35:10

Don't make them y'all homeboys. For real. T, do you have anything else? No, I think that was some good advice for the girls. I'm gonna paste them um questions. We're gonna make a reel out of that one, but I'm gonna definitely paste them questions in the description because I think those are good things to consider while you're dating, especially at this age. You should be intentional.

SPEAKER_03 35:29

One question. We know we used to do um, what was it last year? Yes. I have two questions actually, but I'm gonna do two questions real quick. What red flags do women often explain away too quickly?

SPEAKER_00 35:43

Um explain away too quickly? Mm-hmm. The the most obvious one cheating, you know, that's how that's what men gonna do. That's how it is, you know. That's how I I was watching another Karamo show the other day, and and she was gonna she came out there and was like, Oh, my boyfriend did all this, this, this. And he came out there and was like, Well, at one point in time you gave me permission to go fuck with these hoes. Like, you know, you said do what you want to do, just don't get nobody pregnant. And she was like, Well, that's just because you know men gonna do what they do. So I went ahead, everybody in the audience was like, Bitch, what you doing here? Right, right. Complaining about them cheating on you and you told them to go cheat on you. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_03 36:25

Well, see, you you kind of hit the nail on the head with that one. I I that's one of them.

SPEAKER_00 36:30

That's one of the ones. That's what men gonna do. Like, no, it's not. That ain't what my men do.

SPEAKER_03 36:37

Okay, so again, this is my last one, just to give the girls what they really looking for. What does a high-value, emotionally mature man look like in action?

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Somebody that's taking care of business. Um, if he is pursuing you, ladies, make sure he is pursuing you, trying to learn what you like, get to know you. He ain't gotta be tricking. It ain't gotta be that. It ain't gotta be that. I know y'all think that's what that equates to. Um every time. But just remembering some of your patterns, some of your habits. You ain't gotta repeat yourself to him. He's in tune with what you're talking about, what worries you, what excites you. That's somebody, somebody all the way into you.

SPEAKER_03 37:16

Yeah. And I would just say somebody that considers you at all aspects of life. Yeah, like always considering you, how is something is gonna make you feel, whether it's something physical. Oh, I know that my girl is always cold. Let me put her a sweater in the back of my truck. Like, I just love the love things, and I feel like we need to get back to that. A man that's okay with showing love and being a simp, as they call it, without you feeling like you asking for too much. I feel like sometimes men put us in a box to where we feel like women feel like they don't even want to ask.

SPEAKER_00 37:47

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:47

Like it's like you doing too much. You what them niggas they only do that on Instagram. That shit fake. Them niggas don't like bring back the shit that y'all think the niggas really don't do. Bring the shit back. Yeah, you know, like I think that's what makes a high value man when somebody's just strong and standing in the fact that yeah, I love this woman, I'm doing whatever it takes to make a man.

SPEAKER_00 38:05

Stop giving them excuses, stop, stop giving them reasons to be a sad nigga. If he is not doing all the things, he's not interested. I'm sorry, you gotta stop giving them the coochie. Um you stop giving them the coochie. Like, oh, gotta be quicker than that, gotta be quicker than that. Like, no, for real. Got a whole that bit to you, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:26

Well, thank you guys for this episode until next time.